Family Life: Solitary Independent Play?
Do you have an optimal family life? My husband and I have foster-parented our 9 year-old granddaughter for eight months, learning a lot about all of us in the process. Now her mother has joined us while she builds a new life for them both.
The school has informed us that–while our granddaughter is in the gifted and talented program with test scores above average–she lacks personal knowledge of real-world facts. She is immersed–given the chance–in streaming media four to six hours daily. So are her mother and grandfather. She is addicted to fiction: grandpa favors the news and military history. Dinner is fragmented by different time schedules or is eaten in silence in front of the TV.
All of us are engaged in solitary independent play. Our granddaughter has substituted media for learned facts and social interactions, placing herself at a disadvantage in the real world. Grandpa learned his social skills on schedule but does not exercise them when he is focused on the news at dinnertime. All of us are engaged in solitary independent play.
Solitary independent play is what happens with toddlers in a sandbox. They do “their own thing” without communication, commitment, cooperation or planning. They continue in that mode until they are taught and required to behave differently.
Is this your family? How will your child learn essential life skills when the media consumes six hours per day of teaching time? When will you commit to leadership in teaching essential life skills? Check out “The Most Important Person in Your Life” post to see what you have missed by your lack of planning.
Love, etc.
A young friend just e-mailed me a question about the link between fashion and sexual attractiveness in finding a husband. Here’s my answer: I wouldn’t know about the relationship between fashion and romance, but that doesn’t prevent me from having an opinion! It’s your choice, of course.
Personally, I think men are genetically “wired” to respond to a woman’s body (like, not fat and preferably in good shape) as well as other characteristics not related to color of clothing. Energy stemming from good health, for example, is sexy.
Black clothing, however, in one culture will connote one thing (mourning), and the opposite in another culture (joy). What culture are you aiming for?
Black is the preference of downtown business people and, in general, more conservative people, in my opinion. If you’re aiming for a conservative (low risk-taking) man, you would do well to wear it, along with modest styling and longer hemline and higher bustline.
Also, a man looking for character in a mate will not have the word “fun” salting his conversation. Questions in that regard may include, “How does your man treat others? How do his role models, his family, treat each other?” Again, there are unpredictable elements. Men engage in “one-up-manship” with each other, a competitive sort of game involving witty insults, whereas women on the whole are oriented more toward cooperative linguistics. This competitive gaming aspect by itself doesn’t mean your prospective mate is an unkind person or poor risk.
A man who is an entrepreneur or adventurer will be more likely to be “fun” (highly creative) but may become a risk to your own stability (or tiresome) if he continues risk-taking behavior in every area of his life, for the rest of his life, or in every part of his business. Maturity will change most risk-taking behavior into conservatism, as Winston Churchill observed when he said (paraphrased), “If a person is not a liberal in his youth he has no heart, but if he is not a conservative later on, he has no head.”
Having said that, I am reminded of many great men who began life as failures either in politics (Abraham Lincoln) or in business (Rich DeVos, CEO of Amway corp). Thus, the long-range view of a committed relationship is unpredictable. As Solomon said in the Bible, “…time and chance happen to all.” Or, as grandma said, “into every life some rain must fall.”
Suppose you choose a risk-taker over, say, an insurance salesman whose goal in life is CYA to the max, and enjoying a prosperous, but selfish, retirement. Will this satisfy your need for long-term security AND your need for a creative, refreshing personality or–better–your desire for an altruistic, meaningful challenge? Our search for meaning needs to include making the world a better place for having trod here.
A consideration in my mind would be whether your man has good morals and a good network of friends who hold him accountable to high standards. Who would want to marry a debauched prince? What, then, is a “good life?”
Maybe the best answer to your question about wearing black would be to take a poll of men! My husband says black connotes mourning to him, and he was attracted to me because I dressed modestly but had color. People in the eastern U.S. wear more black and neutrals than people on the west coast. Color to them may mean something entirely different. I feel that personality is expressed with color more than with excessive black, although color mixed with black is quite expressive. However, I’m 66 years old, and by definition am out of the 30-something crowd. There is a non-answer to your question!
Christ-centered Relationship-building
Selfishness is worth another look when I have time, but here’s advice I just posted to my son, who is looking for a mate.
Selfishness is the default answer for all humans. We don’t have to remain there. A self-centered relationship or a performance-based relationship will not bring long-term happiness. A Christ-centered relationship will last the long journey of joyful marriage.
I find that when I am feeling grouchy about–for example–doing (usually house and yard) work when my husband is lounging around watching hours of TV a day, I need to consider what Christ would have me to do. I reframe my attitude about doing the work.
Rather than a “poor me, why isn’t he helping on this thing I decided is important now?” attitude with attendant pain, anger, etc, I consider what use Christ is making of the work. Ideas like, “It’s physically and spiritually therapeutic” come to mind. Also, ideas occur like, “What does Christ think when I have a selfish attitude about my relationship to Him?” …and, “What, exactly am I, a greedy, selfish sinner, entitled to from Him? Does the Master serve the servant? He has reasons I wouldn’t understand if he told them to me.”
Also, in fairness to my husband, if I ask for help he shuts off the entertainment and works with me, and when I flop down exhausted, he takes me out to dinner, etc. Probably the hardest part about unrealistic expectations is that we recognize them when they’re put on us, but not when we are putting them on others.
What’s easy for me is hard for him, as I explained to our granddaughter when we were foster-parenting her. We do what we do best…further, I need to avoid adding stress on top of what he’s already experiencing in the way of stress. He doesn’t complain, and that lack of complaint makes his stress invisible to me. The adrenals can only take so much before adrenal fatigue sets in for anyone. We also have to discriminate between essentials and desires that can be put off–maybe forever!
Stress-free Breathing and Parenting Orientation
Stress-free Breathing and Parenting Orientation Try this link for my tutorial on uses, needs for, and techniques of proper breathing in the midst of child discipline. Since it is animated, you’ll want to left-click in order to get some of the text to appear. I’m trying to create and attach a voice-over, but have failed so far!
Arizona Immigration Law
Let’s take racism out of the mix in responding to this law. Since I have two sons who are part Native American, part Black, and half Anglo, I feel qualified to comment on the excess of emotionalism surrounding this issue.
Since I was in grade school, all kinds of new rules were made as soon as someone overstepped the boundaries set by authorities. Those rules cramped my style, imposed upon my life, and felt oppressive. I was asked for a hall pass every time I stepped out of the classroom because someone broke the rules about the hall use, smoking in the bathroom, etc. I didn’t call it profiling. I called it a fact of life. It was necessary for the maintenance of order in the school.
If I break some sort of driving rules, or even appear to be doing so, I can be sure that I’ll be stopped and asked for my driver’s license. An officer has the right to put me to a drunk-driver’s test even if my problem is low blood sugar. I do not call it unfair. In order for any society to maintain order, some people will experience unfair restrictions on their freedom. This, too, is a fact of life.
When I was managing an apartment complex for five years, the answer to complaints regarding “discrimination” was to treat everyone the same. I suggest, then, that Arizona put immigrant status on all driver’s licenses, and ask everyone for their license or state-approved identification card at any time they are stopped. How easy can it get?
Course Planning in Process
San Diego, CA: A successful May 23, 2010 book signing for Stress-free Discipline was held at St. James’ Lutheran church, Imperial Beach. Course curriculum maps and other information were available there for readers receptive to a free hybrid series of classes on Stress-Free Discipline. Coursework is pending at St. James and at Trinity Lutheran churches.
Book Release
Stress-Free Discipline gives you tested, unique, time-saving tools for tots-to-teens discipline!
This step-by-step plan not only reduces stress, it builds life-long love, teamwork, life skills and responsibility.
- Five expectation sets are realistic, gradually building complex skills.
- Children master adult skills almost painlessly.
- They are rewarded for every right choice.
- Negatives are minimized, releasing energy for building and bonding.
- Motivational rewards are simple, fun and educational.
- Parents and children grow accountable in a bond of love.
Endorsements
William C. Reeves, Ph.D. Human Behavior writes: “Stress Free Discipline presents some great ideas that have been successfully used to help children mature. Setting up positive rewards for good behavior is presented as the best way to help children learn self discipline and appropriate behavior. Children are also presented with the reality that poor behavior results in unwanted consequences for them. Behavior is tracked by a point system that allows the child to understand the results of both good and improper actions.”
Charles Jeter, Combat Veteran, Software Engineer writes: “Stress Free Discipline has valuable strategy and rules of engagement.”
John Demas, attorney writes: “Stress Free Discipline has worked with my children. Judith has a gift.”
Gary Kirk, pastor, publisher, counselor writes: “As the father of a son with special needs, I feel your book should be required reading for everyone involved in an IEP—educators and parents alike…From many years of being a small group pastor and counselor, I consistently see the need for parents to find the kind of equipping that you have offered in your book.”
Contact Judith to purchase the book ($17.95 + shipping), or contact legacylinepublishing.com.
Protect yourself from Cyber-Crime
Internet security, identity theft, Computer safety, Charles Jeter
Here is information on an important cyber-security free educational series done by my son (he has the P.I. license, the genius I.Q. and the computer instructional design job with ESET). Charles wrote the text and was on the PowerPoint production team, and it has been presented to the San Diego Chamber of Commerce and now to UCSD and other forums. We want to train as many people as possible about their own security, since id theft, for one thing, has escalated exponentially since last year. Your pc is a target.
Charles wrote: Here’s the event information for Securing our eCity.
http://www.securingourecity.org/news.php <- list of events
Directions and event poster… Sign up online!
The statistics about cybercrime and data breach are shocking.
.ESET, a local San Diego antivirus software company, recently started a not-for-profit grassroots educational effort to secure our San Diego eCity against this threat through education. It’s a Neighborhood Watch style educational program for the community targeted at preventing cybercrime.
SOEC website: www.securingourecity.org
For a direct link to the on-demand training: Securing Our eCity Training Presentation
We also give each attendee 12 things they can do right away to keep from being a victim, along with a how-to guide for creating easy to remember yet hard to crack passwords. The password guide was developed and donated by one of our security professionals who lives in the UK.
Check it out. If you happen to have some contacts whom you think could help us make a difference feel free to forward my email and contact information. I’ll follow up with you in a few days.
Who Provides Wisdom?
Teaching, knowledge, parenting
Wisdom is the godly, practical use of knowledge. Knowledge is power.
Parents translate the world to their children. The world is confusing and untruthful. What to do? How to do it? What is meaningfull and what needs to be ignored? One challenge for parents is believing they have to learn all the information all at once.
Parents learn and then teach learning strategies: they create structure! Structure is a major task for every adult. It’s easy for us to be overwhelmed by the masses of data confronting us, even as adults. Yet we must create meaning and power for our children. If they cannot read, for example, they should just write “victim” on their foreheads. They are powerless in a hostile world.
Alvin Toffler, author of Future Shock and Power Shift, detailed his worldwide, 25 year study of the power dynamics found in knowledge. Knowledge, in his book Power Shift, is one of three sources of power in the world. Violence and money are the first two sources of power.
Parents and children cannot afford ignorance. The power shift now is to manipulation of information sources and conclusions drawn from data. Imbedded commands, for example, can make weather data look like man-made global warming when in fact, a report of 500 experienced weathermen indicates that global warming is merely a natural cycle–not man-made.
Global warming has impacted whole populations long before our life styles included cars, etc. Thus, we can choose to forfeit our liberties to lazy thinking, or we can look carefully into high impact issues for ourselves. Unfortunately, the same media which has informed us also anesthetizes us into passivity.
Who has not been hypnotized by television? If we are in a habit of passivity, why should we bother to dig deeply for truth and then act on it?
Parents and teachers are the ones to interpret the meaning behind the flood of data which overwhelms everyone in this dementedly hasty world! Without building meaning, there is no wisdom to be found in the constant stimulation of random data which batters our conscious minds from dawn until midnight.
Where do you find your wisdom?
Preparing Youth in a Rapidly Changing world
education, career change
A Master’s Degree student in one of my classes posted this comment: [Considering the contents of this video]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9Wu2kWwSY
It states that today’s learner will have 10 – 14 jobs by the age of 38. There’s also some other “WoW” stuff shown in this video. With that knowledge, how do we efficiently prepare these young people for a “career?”
Marie L. Woolley
So do not fear, for I am with you…..
Isaiah 41:10
I posted this response:
The Bible seems like a good start! The basic issues and answers to life are there. (I had to try transcendental meditation, Buddhism, Unitarianism, hypnosis, humanism, etc. before I came to that conclusion.)
Naturally the critical thinking and problem solving skills come to mind, along with the ability to find and critique information which is useful. I would say also that young people need to learn how to meditate, stop and enjoy the benefits of silence. There is so much stimulation that one gets used to automatically skimming the surface of life…must have noisy distraction bypassing my thought life…need it, need it…massaging my feelings…love it…love it…
We self-distract because the media has shortened our attention span. Reading, on the other hand, lengthens the attention span.
When did speed and noise become essential to deep thought? Never, of course…but this nation pursues both in some sort of irrational adrenalin addiction…see books by Dr. Archibald Hart. One which comes to mind is Healing Life’s Hidden Addictions.
Harmonizing right and left brain thinking comes to mind also. I once read a piece about the fact that the only time the EEGs (Electroencephalograms) of the right and left brain hemispheres are in unity are during prayer and meditation. Harmony of thought and feeling, in my opinion, is just as necessary as the usual life skills which we teach. How, exactly, does one deal with fear or anger or depression if not via that harmony?
If I am angry, I have to do a thought-check just prior to my feelings going amuck. It turns out that greed, selfishness or simple misguided thinking (misinformation, spiritual lies or warped priorities) are the root cause of much of my personal stress.
When I was confined with undiagnosed Lyme disease for 6 years, how did I avoid the suicidal depression which overcomes so many in that disabled position? It was via spiritual search and rescue operations prompted by radio and online sermons…a union of right and left brain processing.
I suggest that excesses of either thought along or feelings alone cause dysfunction.
I submit that we need to stand guard at the door of our thought, rejecting wrong ideas which may be a short-term comfort but are in fact long term disasters.
