Is your child really the most important person after God and your spouse? How do your priorities line up? If streaming and social media consume four or more hours of your time each day, how are your children going to learn effective life skills?

Effective life skills are those things everyone has to do–to be an effective adult–or pay someone else to do them. The teaching job required for this list of chores takes time and plenty of work.  It is ongoing, frustrating, lasts a lifetime and is worth every minute of your self-sacrifice.

If your child can do those adult chores fast and well, he or she will be happy, according to “happiness research.” How many of the following adult chores are you planning to teach your child…or how many of them have you mastered? Here’s a list of adult responsibilities which—if you are skillful—will make you a happy adult.  Unplug from the TV and plug into life.

Parent’s Duty and Skill List (Frame this and hang it in plain sight.  Review it often with your child when you assign chores to yourself and children.)

Yard and Home Repairs:

Manage workers or repair and maintain yard and home yourself. Paint, build, plan, budget for and buy materials for projects such as roofing, bookshelves, storage areas.

Bookkeeping:

pay bills, keep records of spending, balance bank statements, track credit spending and loan repayments. Plan and carry out insurance and financial strategy.

Secretarial:

do time planning and errands, phone calls, correspondence, special occasion gifts and cards, schedule appoints, games, classes, and special events. Chauffeur people to these events.

Files:

set up and maintain files on all aspects of the household, including financial, warranty, and physical plant information. Keep records on repairs done and specifics of new equipment installed.

Protection:

Research, provide for, and maintain the following: inventory of possessions, furniture and valuable paintings. Create and maintain safety rules, fire escape drills, tracking of children away from home, etc.

Food Services:

plan menus, purchase food, prepare meals, serve them and clean up after them. Take into account: nutritional balance, personal preferences, special dietary needs, variety of texture, color and type of food, degree of “cooking,” freshness and freedom from unnecessary additives. Food storage rotation and freezer “quickies” for Sunday use must be planned and maintained. Ambiance, service, food preparation and purchase for parties are additional.

Purchasing:

Buy toiletries, paper products, small appliances, gifts, clothing, etc. on budget. Wrap and mail gifts as needed.

Laundry:

Wash, fold, and iron clothing, bedding and towels, schedule and record items sent out for dry cleaning and laundry, get items from cleaners.

Fabric maintenance:

Mend and perform tailoring on clothing, backpacks, and other fabrics.

Physical plant maintenance:

General Handyman tasks, basic plumbing, wiring, carpentry, and other household upkeep.

Daily cleaning:

General pick-up, make beds; straighten, fold, and put away items, organize magazines, books and newspapers, freshen bathrooms, straighten towels and clean bathroom sink.

Trash Disposal:

Empty kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and office trash as needed, recycle coat hangers, plastics, glass and newspapers, prepare trash for weekly pickup.

Weekly cleaning:

Change bed and bath linens weekly, clean shower area, hot tub and shower as needed, wash floors, vacuum and dust.

Periodic Maintenance:

Clean windows including skylights and screens at least twice yearly, clean carpets and upholstery, oil furniture with four coats oil inside and out 2-3 times per year. Remove books from shelves and vacuum books and shelves. Clean gutters and attic or basement areas.

Houseplant maintenance:

Purchase, re-pot, water, trim and feed houseplants.

Gardening:

Water as needed, use weed killer and spray for insects and diseases. Wash or hose off porches and outdoor furniture.

Small Appliance and computer Repairs:

Schedule and carry out computer virus protection, vacuum and other routine cleaning and repair to prevent problems before they happen. Record repairs done and by whom.

Organization:

clean out and organize closets, cupboards, drawers and basement and furnace room. Discard out-of-date items, such as spices over six months old or outdated medications.

Automobile repair and maintenance:

track oil changes, radiator and belts and regular tune up needs, gas and wash car as needed.

Pet care:

daily brushing, walking, vacation planning and vet visits, shots, licensing and shampoos.

Child care:

1. Raise children in the discipline and nurture of the Lord,
2. Supervise and instruct them on reasonable chores, safety, expectations and family goals
3. Teach manners, citizenship, respect for authority and education,
4. Attend school and church events, track homework and project due dates, help with schoolwork, provide quality control of schoolwork and handwriting,
5. Teach and monitor spelling, History, Math, English, Science, etc.
6. Teach and practice problem solving skills, negotiation skills, conflict resolution, communication skills, hobbies and anger management skills.
7. Teach and practice adult skills such as budgeting, spend/save/tithe principles, making decisions, analysis, creativity, synthesis, time management, priority and goal setting, application of right principles, proactivity rather than crisis management, follow-through on duties, life-long learning habits and interdependence.

Does your youth have these adult skills mastered so they can be done fast and well? If not, he or she remains in a submissive, student’s role until time to establish his/her own household.

The school has informed us that–while our granddaughter is in the gifted and talented program with test scores above average–she lacks personal knowledge of real-world facts.  She is immersed–given the chance–in streaming media four to six hours daily.  So are her mother and grandfather.  She is addicted to fiction:  grandpa favors the news and military history.  Dinner is fragmented by different time schedules or is eaten in silence in front of the TV.

All of us are engaged in solitary independent play.  Our granddaughter has substituted media for learned facts and social interactions, placing herself at a disadvantage in the real world.  Grandpa learned his social skills on schedule but does not exercise them when he is focused on the news at dinnertime.  All of us are engaged in solitary independent play.

Solitary independent play is what happens with toddlers in a sandbox.  They do “their own thing” without communication, commitment, cooperation or planning.  They continue in that mode until they are taught and required to behave differently.

Is this your family?  How will your child learn essential life skills when the media consumes six hours per day of teaching time?  When will you commit to leadership in teaching essential life skills?  Check out “The Most Important Person in Your Life” post to see what you have missed by your lack of planning.

Personally, I think men are genetically “wired” to respond to a woman’s body (like, not fat and preferably in good shape) as well as other characteristics not related to color of clothing. Energy stemming from good health, for example, is sexy.

Black clothing, however, in one culture will connote one thing (mourning), and the opposite in another culture (joy).  What culture are you aiming for?

Black is the preference of downtown business people and, in general, more conservative people, in my opinion.  If you’re aiming for a conservative (low risk-taking) man, you would do well to wear it, along with modest styling and longer hemline and higher bustline.

Also, a man looking for character in a mate will not have the word “fun” salting his conversation. Questions in that regard may include, “How does your man treat others?  How do his role models, his family, treat each other?”  Again, there are unpredictable elements.  Men engage in “one-up-manship” with each other, a competitive sort of game involving witty insults, whereas women on the whole are oriented more toward cooperative linguistics.  This competitive gaming aspect by itself doesn’t mean your prospective mate is an unkind person or poor risk.

A man who is an entrepreneur or adventurer will be more likely to be “fun” (highly creative) but may become a risk to your own stability (or tiresome) if he continues risk-taking behavior in every area of his life, for the rest of his life, or in every part of his business.  Maturity will change most risk-taking behavior into conservatism, as Winston Churchill observed when he said (paraphrased), “If a person is not a liberal in his youth he has no heart, but if he is not a conservative later on, he has no head.”

Having said that, I am reminded of many great men who began life as failures either in politics (Abraham Lincoln) or in business (Rich DeVos, CEO of Amway corp).  Thus, the long-range view of a committed relationship is unpredictable.  As Solomon said in the Bible, “…time and chance happen to all.” Or, as grandma said, “into every life some rain must fall.”

Suppose you choose a risk-taker over, say, an insurance salesman whose goal in life is CYA to the max, and enjoying a prosperous, but selfish, retirement.  Will this satisfy your need for long-term security AND your need for a creative, refreshing personality or–better–your desire for an altruistic, meaningful challenge?  Our search for meaning needs to include making the world a better place for having trod here.

A consideration in my mind would be whether your man has good morals and a good network of friends who hold him accountable to high standards.  Who would want to marry a debauched prince?  What, then, is a “good life?”

Maybe the best answer to your question about wearing black would be to take a poll of men!  My husband says black connotes mourning to him, and he was attracted to me because I dressed modestly but had color.  People in the eastern U.S. wear more black and neutrals than people on the west coast.  Color to them may mean something entirely different.  I feel that personality is expressed with color more than with excessive black, although color mixed with black is quite expressive. However, I’m 66 years old, and by definition am out of the 30-something crowd. There is a non-answer to your question!

Selfishness is the default answer for all humans.  We don’t have to remain there.  A self-centered relationship or a performance-based relationship will not bring long-term happiness.  A Christ-centered relationship will last the long journey of joyful marriage.

I find that when I am feeling grouchy about–for example–doing (usually house and yard) work when my husband is lounging around watching hours of TV a day,  I need to consider what Christ would have me to do.  I reframe my attitude about doing the work.

Rather than a “poor me, why isn’t he helping on this thing I decided is important now?” attitude with attendant pain, anger, etc, I consider what use Christ is making of the work.  Ideas like, “It’s physically and spiritually therapeutic” come to mind. Also, ideas occur like, “What does Christ think when I have a selfish attitude about my relationship to Him?” …and, “What, exactly am I, a greedy, selfish sinner, entitled to from Him? Does the Master serve the servant? He has reasons I wouldn’t understand if he told them to me.”

Also, in fairness to my husband, if I ask for help he shuts off the entertainment and works with me, and when I flop down exhausted, he takes me out to dinner, etc.  Probably the hardest part about unrealistic expectations is that we recognize them when they’re put on us, but not when we are putting them on others.

What’s easy for me is hard for him, as I explained to our granddaughter when we were foster-parenting her. We do what we do best…further, I need to avoid adding stress on top of what he’s already experiencing in the way of stress. He doesn’t complain, and that lack of complaint makes his stress invisible to me. The adrenals can only take so much before adrenal fatigue sets in for anyone.  We also have to discriminate between essentials and desires that can be put off–maybe forever!

This step-by-step plan not only reduces stress, it builds life-long love, teamwork, life skills and responsibility.

• Five expectation sets are realistic, gradually building complex skills.
• Children master adult skills almost painlessly.
• They are rewarded for every right choice.
• Negatives are minimized, releasing energy for building and bonding.
• Motivational rewards are simple, fun and educational.
• Parents and children grow accountable in a bond of love.

Endorsements

William C. Reeves, Ph.D. Human Behavior writes: “Stress Free Discipline presents some great ideas that have been successfully used to help children mature.  Setting up positive rewards for good behavior is presented as the best way to help children learn self discipline and appropriate behavior.  Children are also presented with the reality that poor behavior results in unwanted consequences for them.  Behavior is tracked by a point system that allows the child to understand the results of both good and improper actions.”

Charles Jeter, Combat Veteran, Software Engineer writes:  “Stress Free Discipline has valuable strategy and rules of engagement.”

John Demas, attorney writes:  “Stress Free Discipline has worked with my children.  Judith has a gift.”

Gary Kirk, pastor, publisher, counselor writes: “As the father of a son with special needs, I feel your book should be required reading for everyone involved in an IEP—educators and parents alike…From many years of being a small group pastor and counselor, I consistently see the need for parents to find the kind of equipping that you have offered in your book.”

Contact Judith to purchase the book ($17.95 + shipping), or contact legacylinepublishing.com.

Is it true to say that our convenient computers, calculators, and technology short-cuts in general are ways to save ourselves the labor of figuring our change, analyzing our data, etc?  If so, I could argue that achieving the end product without analysis may be a short cut which facilitates our life style without damaging it. We do not need to know how the vegetables were grown and transported to benefit from eating them. 

However, we do need to know how to figure our change in our heads.  That involves abstract thinking: recall, application, analysis, judgment.

Since I came from the punch card era–when computer CPUs took up a whole temperature-controlled room and lots of engineering time–I see that our short cuts can own us. While they are simplifying our thought life in order to find the bottom line sooner, they simplify our learning process.  They dumb us down, setting us up to be willing victims. 

The key question is this: Was the trade-off a good one?  Is it good to merely speed up life without doing the grunge work (basic skill building or spiritual work, for example) of making it a worthwhile life?

The issue, then, as I see it, is that the foundational math concepts and logic skills have somehow been lost in the rush toward functionality.  It is the old battle between the urgent but unimportant against the long term important item which seems like it can wait at the bottom of the priority list. 

Then, horrors, the long term important skills or chores (like building higher order thinking skills or buying disability insurance) suddenly loom large and ugly:  CRISIS MANAGEMENT.  Attached is a little chart I invented which might be useful for priority setting and time management

A simple priority system for you and your child might look like this:

Finding the most important thing to do first: 

List important tasks on the left side of your paper. 

Make five small columns to the right of the list. 

In them, give the task a number from 1 to 10, with 10 being the most important.[1] 

It works like this:

Assign points to each column for each task. 

If you’re weak there and really working on planning and scheduling, you may want to assign points for that job like this:  (A) God’s priority 20, (B) Important long term 10, (C) Urgent this week 6, (D) Total points 36.  Leave the priority column blank until the end. 

If you have food management well organized, have plenty in the refrigerator and pantry, and can throw together healthy meals without much effort, you might assign it points like this:  (A) God’s priority 20, (B) Important long term 6, (C) Urgent this week 2, (D) Total points 28.

If you want God to be Number One in your life, your day is ruined if you’re not up early to meet with Him, you’ll probably give that points like this: (A) God’s priority 30 (B) Important long term 10, (C) Urgent this week 2 (D) Total points 42.

Spending birthday money doesn’t look so important now, but you have a burning desire to get to the store while the sale is still on.  Those points might be (A) God’s priority 1, (B) Important long term 3, (C) Urgent this week 10, (D) Total points 14.

What do you need to do in order to overcome that natural laziness which makes you ignorant of life’s challenge and reward?

The problem is that emotional upheaval between parents prevents them from changing or improving their discipline styles.

Feelings are playing ping-pong with their thoughts.  Feelings are in the driver’s seat, not in the back seat.  Feelings are designed by God to support and motivate action after it has been thought through. 

After thinking through the problem, getting useful ideas into your head does not mean you have mastered the techniques which save you stress while enhancing your family interdependence.

What does it take to master stress-free techniques?

It takes getting help and practice, using personal reflection and supportive group activities.

Why do people resist change?

Kotter and Schlesinger (Kotter & Schlesinger, 2008, 130) offer four basic reasons that people resist change and several methods for overcoming resistance in their article illustrating change in the world of management. The most common reasons they cite for resistance are

1. A desire to keep something of value
2. Misunderstanding of the change and its complications
3. A belief that the change does not make sense
4. A low tolerance for change in general (Kotter & Schlesinger, 2008, 131).

If you write down your reasons for not wanting to change your child discipline, you will probably find out that the above four reasons keep reappearing on your list.  Are you willing to look carefully at your reasoning?  Are you uncomfortable enough to make positive change?

How can people overcome their resistance to change?

Couples, like the managers cited in the article, can determine which form of resistance they are facing and choose to overcome it with a number of techniques.

Some of those techniques are: education and communication, participation and involvement, facilitation and support, negotiation and agreement.

This research, in the hands of a sensitive and experienced mentor or counselor, can help guide couples to gradually gain skill in making functional changes in their family dynamic.

Resources:

Kotter, J. P., & Schlesinger, L. A. (2008, August). Choosing strategies for change. Harvard Business Review, 86(7/8), 130-139.

When is fun not fun any more?

In case you missed Dr. Archibald Hart’s presentation of his latest book, “Thrilled to Death“, here’s a summary of what he said in a recent (6/25/08) Focus on the Family broadcast: Over-stimulation “hijacks the pleasure center of the brain,” first flooding it with cortisol- and adrenalin-stimulated joy, then blocking the ability to feel joy.

When a person is multitasking, for example, his or her body is constantly bombarded with cortisol and adrenalin, leading at first to a sense of pleasure and accomplishment.  Then, as the experience is prolonged, there is a reduced capacity to experience pleasure. 

Consider the physical experience like holding a small glass of water at arm’s length.  For a while one can enjoy the experience of success, but then the weariness sets in. 

This is precisely what happens when people are addicted to a “recreational” drug.  First the high, then it takes more and more of the substance to feel good.  The problem here is that life is a do-it-to-yourself project.  We can pursue what is bad for us.

Brain Damage

As the brain is first over-stimulated, then dulled, there is reversible brain damage to that pleasure center of the brain.  The constant over-stimulation leads to extreme thrill-seeking in an effort to feel pleasure, since the victim suffers from anhedonia.  Anhedonia leads not only to a negative sort of boredom, but to apathy and depression. 

This cycle is especially damaging for children. 

Too much media stimulation, for example, has been shown to reduce performance on standardized tests, according to a December 24, 2007 article by Caleb Crain in The New Yorker, page 138. 

Children are also at high risk since weary, over-stimulated parents park them in front of movies instead to doing Legos, for example, to build the ability to use their own imagination, transfer learning, achieve real self worth, and socialize in the process.  Social workers of my acquaintance tell me that today’s youth are poorly socialized.

Not all boredom is the same

Boredom due to under-stimulations leads to the development and use of imagination or creativity.  As my mother used to say, “If you can’t find something to be happy doing, I’ll put you to work.”  That tactic worked on me.  I read books and raised my I.Q. in the process.

What I’ve been saying for years is being explained in a different, well researched way by Dr. Hart.  His book is a must read for our own good.

Our American ingenuity (creative ability to solve problems) is endangered by our focus on over-stimulation, since we then pursue pleasure to our detriment.  We cause our own depression, boredom and apathy, and the joy of life is gone.  We are becoming more and more addicted to the pursuit but less and less satisfied and certainly less happy with the result of our “pleasant” activities. We are being destroyed by our own ignorant desires.  Odd, the Bible said that (Phil. 3:19).

Besides being less happy, we are going to be less able to compete on the global marketplace. 

Our competitive edge is based in our ability to create.  Other countries copy.  We invent.

When families malfunction they may not know how to do target correction.  Do not play the blame game!  Use win-win techniques.

Agree on some ground rules for your quarrels. 

Quality Progress (Redmond, 2007, 80) moves people closer to a solution in 60 minutes with four basic tools. Redmond’s suggestions are similar to those made by Richard Feder and John Mitchell nineteen years earlier in a ‘4-day task force’ (1988, August).

Rule 1 – Agree on time management

Both sources argue for the restriction of time as a key to efficiency.  While some problems may require more urgency, sixty minutes is an arbitrary time in which Redmond demonstrates problem solving.

Please do not vent for hours without allowing some kind of decision to be made.  Repeating your beef over and over just makes your family more “hard of hearing” each time you speak. 

It is hard to respect someone who chooses not to be rational.  Vent to an older friend who can talk with you like your grandmother might.  They’ve been down that road and have seen what works or does not work.

The following are simple, but not easy ground rules for problem solving.

Rule 2 – Agree and define the problem

Redmond and Feder and Mitchell all advise businesses to start with agreement on and definition of the problem.  That idea works for families also. 

Both sources presuppose data collection. 

Rule 3 – What are the facts? 

What are the trends or habits which need to be corrected or changed in order to solve the problem?

Rule 4 – Brainstorm solutions

Redmond suggests working out a consensus on the most prevalent root causes of the problem with brainstorming of potential solutions. Felder and Mitchell have the group focus on creating a list of solutions, brainstorming and gaining insights into attitudes enough to form a “hunch list”.

Both methods then choose the best ideas, probing participants “for relevance, importance and uniqueness.”(Feder & Mitchell, 1988, 21). Redmond presents an effort/benefit matrix.

Brainstorming rules are few:

• First, respect each person’s opinion, no matter how much you disagree or how crazy it sounds.
• Secondly, find agreement on rules for eliminating those ideas which are unrealistic or outside your family values.

On volatile family hot buttons, I suggest you do this process with a third person.  Perhaps a pastor, experienced friend or counselor.

Rule 5 – Decide and Act on the solution(s)

Work is assigned to specific individuals and deadlines set. Follow up makes sure tasks get done. If an intervention is called for, do it.

These methods have been working for business teams for decades. Any team will benefit from choosing this method before problems arise, then using it after conflict arises.  You do want family teamwork, don’t you?  Slavery and selfishness do not work in the long run. 

References

Feder, R., & Mitchell, J. (1988, August). ‘4-day task force’ more efficient than traditional problem-solving. Marketing News, 22(18), 21.

Redmond, M. (2007, February). 60 Minutes to a Solution. Quality Progress, 40(2), 80.