Stress-Free Discipline

 Backtalk is any non-compliant speech or behavior. Backtalk includes making faces, flattery, helplessness, denial, blaming, accusing, excusing, insults and profanity.[1]

All back talk has the same goal, whether it is confrontational or not. The goal is parent—or teacher—control: gaining power and attention.

Backtalk is any noncompliant behavior

Which of the following statements applies to inmates in correctional institutions (jails)?

1. …tries to “butter you up in order to get favors.”

2. …may fake illness to get what they want.

3. …tries to change the subject to avoid consequences.

4. …flatters, acts friendly, inflates your ego to make you emotionally dependent on his or her approval.

5. …does favors for you in order to manipulate you into breaking or changing rules.

6. …asks to be excused just this one time; won’t do it again.

7. …tries to get different people to say “yes” when the answer is always “no” in order to follow rules.

8. …tries to fast talk–guide–you  into ignoring rules.

9. …will take advantage of your depression, carelessness or other weakness.

10. ..tries to get you on an equal basis rather than allow you to be the boss.

11. ..hates being told what to do.

Yes, all of the above are “games inmates play” to get you to lose focus, give them your authority, and take control without responsibility for consequences.

Is it a coincidence that these behaviors start in childhood? Are you rewarding your child’s wrong choices by falling for this stuff?

Discipline is consistent consequences.

If a child gets away without consequences, we are rewarding bad behavior. We only help him or her to perfect his manipulative skills such as those above, drama and lying.

The above behaviors were all taken from The Art of the Con: Avoiding Offender Manipulation, by Gary Cornelius, published by The American Correctional Association, Alexandria, Virginia.

Stress-free Discipline gives a step-by-step plan to relieve stress on you and your child while keeping gentle pressure on the child to make right choices.

It is up to us.  We can choose to have optimal (the best) health or just-getting-by health–the best parenting skills or just-getting-by parenting skills.  Stress-free Discipline teaches optimal parenting.

Remember, what’s OK is the enemy of what’s best.

“Watching television for two to three hours or more per day is linked to significantly higher risks of developing diabetes and heart disease and dying from all causes, according to a new analysis from the Harvard School of Public Health.” (June 15, Journal of the American Medical Association.)

If it were just health, some parents would ignore the need to change TV habits.  But wait! Thinking ability is also at risk here.

A New Yorker study indicates that “A reader learns about the world and imagines it differently from the way a viewer does; according to some…a reader and a viewer even think differently.” (Crain, 2007, 135)

 In several cited studies, illiterates resisted giving definitions of words, grouping like objects, and making logical inferences about hypothetical situations. (Crain, 2007, 137) Moreover, “in an oral culture, cliché and stereotype are valued as accumulations of wisdom, and analysis is frowned upon…” (Crain, 138) 

Detailed and consistent decline in reading and thus in thinking ability have been reported by the National Endowment for the Arts…

It is much harder to compare viewpoints and ideas between streaming media than to analyze the written word.

Juxtaposed images give the impression of cause and effect where none exists. Logical thinking and learning words become a strain.  Social and communication skills suffer.  Experienced teachers and social workers have noted the trend.  Teamwork, highly valued in the global marketplace and in parenting, is suffering.

According to the scholars Jack Goody and Ian Watt, Crain says, (2007, 138) “it is only in a literate culture that the past’s inconsistencies have to be accounted for, a process that encourages skepticism and forces history to diverge from myth.”  My experience on the Navajo Reservation corroborates all of the above.

Recall is also enhanced by reading, as opposed to merely viewing. Moreover, viewers from the age of eight to sixteen months begin loosing word power for every hour of baby DVD’s and videos they watch daily, according to Crain.

Data on more than a million students worldwide by Micha Razel “found ‘little room for doubt’ that television worsened performance in reading, science and math.” (Crain, 2007, 138)

The N.E.A. reported recently that “readers are more likely than non-readers to play sports, exercise, visit art museums, attend theatre, paint, go to music events, take photographs, and volunteer.” (Crain, 2007, 139)  

If parents cannot read, their children will not be encouraged to learn more than the minimum to get by.  Thus, each generation will become more ignorant.

Apply the Bingo test:  is reading, good health and the ability to live a richer, fuller life worth changing your TV habits? 

The Navy has a saying useful in setting priorities:  Considering the end result, is what I am doing now worth giving my life for?  Bingo means Yes!  Let us consider the end result of one of our many activities.  What is the end result of watching TV five hours a day?  

Oh yes, we do need to relax from a stressful day of work, and TV will reward us with entertainments which either stimulate or sedate us…just like addictions will. 

According to Dr. Archibald Hart, writing in Healing Life’s Hidden Addictions, “…two basic drives or fundamental needs can be behind all addictions:  excitement seeking and tension reducing…These two drives are directly related to the two basic categories of drugs (stimulants and tranquilizers)…” (p. 57)

 These psychological needs play a “significant role even in non-chemical addictions.”

Hart says that “Since the function of an addiction is to place a buffer between ourselves and our awareness of feelings, wrenching the buffer away results in increased anxiety…”  Hmmm.  How uncomfortable do we get  when we miss our favorite program?  How many of us are truly listening to our children or our body or our felt needs during those hypnotic sessions with streaming media or facebook? 

Do we really need exercise after being chained to a computer all day, or a couch potatoe session?  Do we need real rest or merely a change of activity?

Moms, Dads, and teachers:  Stress-free Discipline of our children will relieve our stress as it happens, and it will provide rewarding, consistent consequences for our children’s right and poor choices of the day (or period).  The reward is time spent with us on educational, interpersonal activities.  Those activities may be a game of basketball ourtside, spell-down baseball inside, or learning good manners at a nice restaurant!

Let’s apply the Bingo test to those activities.  Is what I am doing now building skills and bonding and family teamwork for the long term?  Teachers, are your present choices of stress-relief really working for your body?

self-discipline, child discipline, happiness, healthy relationships, self-control, family breakdown.

Personal financial hardship is only one cost of  divorce. 

According to CitizenLink.org, a study done by the Institute for American Values has found that the breakdown of families costs U.S. taxpayers at least $112 billion yearly.  The national, state and local costs–which add up to more than $1 trillion over the last decade–are caused, in part, by high poverty rates of single, female-headed households, which lead to higher spending on welfare, criminal justice and education programs.” (Williams, 2008, 1) 

What could the government do with a trillion dollars to create jobs and a better quality of life?  What could parents do with a little more in their bank account and lower taxes for preventable problems?  This is not rocket science.  It has to do with self-control and intelligent work toward family health.

The human cost of family breakup cannot be calculated.  While the average mother looses quality of life as she enters the ranks of the poor, there are many hidden costs.  If she got a divorce wanting control and freedom, her impulse control problems have bad consequences.  She is so overwhelmed with an additional work load–an impossible blend of the need to provide adequate income and good parenting–that she is unable to discipline her children or teach them essential skills. 

Happiness research by Dr. Ed. Diener of the University of Illinois indicates that we are most happy when our ability and the task at hand are closely matched.(see www.psych.uluc.edu/~ediener/research/research.html).  Poor parents can only be miserable, single parents are all stressed, and both children and parents suffer the kind of pressures which lead to poor health, depression, dysfunction, violence and full-blown mental illness. Read the rest of this entry »

A young man wrote me this:

This weekend was a mess with the 4-year-old being sick… he is sort of okay. He was really coughing up phlem last two nights, I didn’t get much sleep… and to top it all off, _______ and I broke up… AGAIN… yesterday afternoon. I think this is the final time. This time I told the boys –

My 6-year-old was devastated and broke down three times in the half hour between my house and his mother’s.  I told her in a text message so she would know what was up – just a complete worthless weekend.

I don’t know really what to say – after four or five times I just figured it best to at least let the kids know. It’s not any fun but they come first in my life and the sooner they get over it the better I think.  I didn’t want to do the same thing I had with my previous girlfriend – just telling them that she’s unavailable.

Oh well, I hope I didn’t scar my oldest for life.

I said,

These are teachable moments:  teach the boys that friends–much as we would like them to be for a lifetime–may self-select out of our circle because of their vastly different values, or by moving away, or having different interests as they grow up…along with examples of what those differences may be.  Ask the boys for reasons and examples to make it real for them, and keep it all interactive.  Use simple sentences, because what I’m telling you is concept-dense.

Everyone is free to make choices, which may be positive or negative in their impact on ourselves or others.

Pain is something God came to earth to heal, and it is caused by sin, a Bible word for selfishness and greed…pray with your eldest that

1. God will heal his hungry heart, and
2. that another person will come into your lives who has interest in you all and willingness to sacrifice time and effort for your benefit.
3. Help him to look for the blessings to come when you submit to God, who allows worldly pain for a purpose.

He is getting old enough to begin defining some important value-laden words such as selfishness (with Bible examples)…Better understanding will shed the light of Christ on that black hole of pain.

Use this format for definitions:  Selfishness is a type of __________ (you fill in the blank:  is it feelings?  attitude resulting in behavior?) with the following characteristics:

• the selfish person cannot see, admit the importance of  other people’s needs,
• a selfish person will not  act on behalf of other people’s needs,
• a selfish person will not consider their feelings, their health or safety, etc.

Read the rest of this entry »

Selfishness is worth another look when I have time, but here’s advice I just posted to my son, who is looking for a mate.

Selfishness is the default answer for all humans.  We don’t have to remain there.  A self-centered relationship or a performance-based relationship will not bring long-term happiness.  A Christ-centered relationship will last the long journey of joyful marriage. Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s take racism out of the mix in responding to this law.  Since I have two sons who are part Native American, part Black, and half Anglo, I feel qualified to comment on the excess of emotionalism surrounding this issue. Read the rest of this entry »

San Diego, CA:  Course curriculum maps and other information is available for San Diego readers receptive to a hybrid series of classes on Stress-Free Discipline.  Coursework is pending at St. James and at Trinity Lutheran churches.  The course launch is October 30 at Trinity Lutheran church on 7210 Lisbon Street, San Diego, 92114.  If you are interested in signing up, please respond to this post or call Phillip Sammuli, at 619.262.1633!

Is it true to say that our convenient computers, calculators, and technology short-cuts in general are ways to save ourselves the labor of figuring our change, analyzing our data, etc?  If so, I could argue that achieving the end product without analysis may be a short cut which facilitates our life style without damaging it. We do not need to know how the vegetables were grown and transported to benefit from eating them. 

However, we do need to know how to figure our change in our heads.  That involves abstract thinking: recall, application, analysis, judgment.

Since I came from the punch card era–when computer CPUs took up a whole temperature-controlled room and lots of engineering time–I see that our short cuts can own us. While they are simplifying our thought life in order to find the bottom line sooner, they simplify our learning process.  They dumb us down, setting us up to be willing victims. 

The key question is this: Was the trade-off a good one?  Is it good to merely speed up life without doing the grunge work (basic skill building or spiritual work, for example) of making it a worthwhile life?

The issue, then, as I see it, is that the foundational math concepts and logic skills have somehow been lost in the rush toward functionality.  It is the old battle between the urgent but unimportant against the long term important item which seems like it can wait at the bottom of the priority list.  Read the rest of this entry »

The problem is that emotional upheaval between parents prevents them from changing or improving their discipline styles.

Feelings are playing ping-pong with their thoughts.  Feelings are in the driver’s seat, not in the back seat.  Feelings are designed by God to support and motivate action after it has been thought through.

After thinking through the problem, getting useful ideas into your head does not mean you have mastered the techniques which save you stress while enhancing your family interdependence.

What does it take to master stress-free techniques?

It takes getting help and practice, using personal reflection and supportive group activities.

Why do people resist change? Read the rest of this entry »