Stress-Free Discipline

 

A young friend just e-mailed me a question about the link between fashion and sexual attractiveness in finding a husband.  Here’s my answer:  I wouldn’t know about the relationship between fashion and romance, but that doesn’t prevent me from having an opinion! It’s your choice, of course.

Personally, I think men are genetically “wired” to respond to a woman’s body (like, not fat and preferably in good shape) as well as other characteristics not related to color of clothing. Energy stemming from good health, for example, is sexy.

Black clothing, however, in one culture will connote one thing (mourning), and the opposite in another culture (joy).  What culture are you aiming for?

Black is the preference of downtown business people and, in general, more conservative people, in my opinion.  If you’re aiming for a conservative (low risk-taking) man, you would do well to wear it, along with modest styling and longer hemline and higher bustline.

Also, a man looking for character in a mate will not have the word “fun” salting his conversation. Questions in that regard may include, “How does your man treat others?  How do his role models, his family, treat each other?”  Again, there are unpredictable elements.  Men engage in “one-up-manship” with each other, a competitive sort of game involving witty insults, whereas women on the whole are oriented more toward cooperative linguistics.  This competitive gaming aspect by itself doesn’t mean your prospective mate is an unkind person or poor risk.

A man who is an entrepreneur or adventurer will be more likely to be “fun” (highly creative) but may become a risk to your own stability (or tiresome) if he continues risk-taking behavior in every area of his life, for the rest of his life, or in every part of his business.  Maturity will change most risk-taking behavior into conservatism, as Winston Churchill observed when he said (paraphrased), “If a person is not a liberal in his youth he has no heart, but if he is not a conservative later on, he has no head.”

Having said that, I am reminded of many great men who began life as failures either in politics (Abraham Lincoln) or in business (Rich DeVos, CEO of Amway corp).  Thus, the long-range view of a committed relationship is unpredictable.  As Solomon said in the Bible, “…time and chance happen to all.” Or, as grandma said, “into every life some rain must fall.”

Suppose you choose a risk-taker over, say, an insurance salesman whose goal in life is CYA to the max, and enjoying a prosperous, but selfish, retirement.  Will this satisfy your need for long-term security AND your need for a creative, refreshing personality or–better–your desire for an altruistic, meaningful challenge?  Our search for meaning needs to include making the world a better place for having trod here.

A consideration in my mind would be whether your man has good morals and a good network of friends who hold him accountable to high standards.  Who would want to marry a debauched prince?  What, then, is a “good life?”

Maybe the best answer to your question about wearing black would be to take a poll of men!  My husband says black connotes mourning to him, and he was attracted to me because I dressed modestly but had color.  People in the eastern U.S. wear more black and neutrals than people on the west coast.  Color to them may mean something entirely different.  I feel that personality is expressed with color more than with excessive black, although color mixed with black is quite expressive. However, I’m 66 years old, and by definition am out of the 30-something crowd. There is a non-answer to your question!

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peer pressure,violence,pain,sex,power struggles,self-confidence,attention,parenting

A bad mouth and a bad temper with pushy behavior are marks of a bully.  We may feel the bully cannot change.

That bully may be any age. He or she rules a corner of the world by constant harsh “put downs” or taking advantage of others. 

A bully feels peer pressure to change, but is stuck in a hard place.

Confrontations are constant when the rights of others are squashed and they fight back.  This may be the bully’s only way to relate to others!

The bully may be a loner or a gang leader, since he or she looks for trouble and responds to all interactions by fighting, criticism or arguments.

Sometimes a psychologist will suggest that the bully sit next to or work with the opposite sex in school if relationships are obviously off base and needing modification.  Good counseling is essential if your child has progressed from small bully behavior to serious criminal behavior.

The bully rules by intimidating others but sometimes protects weak friends from other bullies.

At school, the bully often has learning problems caused by emotional distress.

At home, siblings become emotional and easily upset.

The bully leaves a whirlwind of pain behind his or her own pain.

Parents may be promoting fighting, saturating the bully in violent media or setting a bad example by dealing with problems by violence.

Parental Responsibility In Bullying Behavior

If parents are weak in discipline or too harsh, inconsistent or belligerent, they may be training their child in the dynamics of bully behavior. 

The father who is permissive while drinking and harsh when he is hung over is a bad example.

Parents may express their own pain with bullying behavior. Your temper fit only shows your failure at impulse control. You are trying to teach impulse control.

Does Mother only “mean it” when she is in a screaming temper fit, throwing things or smacking a seven year old around?

Does Dad punish without clear rules and a carefully crafted love relationship?

All possibility of teamwork is gone while time is wasted with fighting. Be consistent with discipline but gentle. 

The bully becomes special by abusing power.

While some may be frightened by a bully, others may think this behavior is funny. At home and school the bully stops all teamwork, learning and positive interaction. The bully enjoys attention he or she gets from peers and adults, even if that attention is negative.

Even though a bully knows abusive relationships are wrong, he or she needs to escape the pain of failure in relationships, insecurity or a poor self-concept.

Bully behavior could show a lack of coping skills and fear of failure in relating to others.

Bully behavior makes a person feel independent and in control of life.

Parents, do not assume your bully is tough or an extrovert for being loud and pushy.

Your bully may be in the 25% of Americans who are introverts, made uncomfortable in social situations or by our cultural hyperactivity. 

Is your bully pushed by you into awkward, failing situations?  Are you expecting your child to be your clone, forcing her into situations she cannot possibly enjoy?  When did the bully behavior begin?

Explain, if your bully is school age, that bully threats have consequences. When any threat is made, require the child to stop and think in a “cooling off time” first.

Make it clear that if bully chooses to fight after cooling off, fighting is then “premeditated,” and will carry a harsher penalty.

Dissolving the Bully

Since bullies accept bigger responsibility well, give him or her an impressive job that builds higher status into their self-concept. At home it will be something that only adults have done up until now.

Do be gentle but consistent. Use only as much power as necessary. Your best tool is loving time spent one-on-one until your child moves out of this phase.

Also, suggest that your bully say, “My parents won’t let me fight” at school or home. That will let bully back out gracefully from useless confrontations.

If the confrontations have been with a teacher, help your child identify the triggers for these fights and quietly identify your child’s own unrecognized character flaws. 

Always carry through. Never let a rebel win.  Be consistent with discipline but gentle. 

If you have trouble with this, get counsel.

Praise every step in the right direction. Love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Make your own transparency and vulnerability clear as a pattern for your bully to follow. It is strong to express your need for help, feelings of stress, and desire for teamwork.

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Body language tells your child whether you mean what you have said or not.

A smile during discipline says you do not mean what you are saying: it is a signal among primates that they are submitting to the dominant primate!

A smile when you’re giving a command says you are begging or submitting to the child. 

Open handed, apologetic body language will not get you the results you need.

You may only think you are delivering discipline.

The worst “discipline” is nagging and posturing without doing anything.

Your children must know from your body language that you have all day to enforce the rules. You must be calm, be close, and take time in the beginning. Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. This is the “meaning it” stance which causes bad behavior (and time spent in discipline) to disappear over time.[1]

When the words and the gestures do not agree, the child will read your gestures. If your child does as he or she wants, he has decided from your body language that you either don’t mean it or you won’t make the consequences at all tough.

Remember how you couldn’t get away with breaking rules in Miss Mean’s third grade class?

Realize that “nice” does not “mean it” when maturity is being required of your child.

When you give specific directions, you should not have to repeat them, explain them or negotiate them. If your teen is used to getting her way by manipulating you, this will become a battle of wills. Ignore whatever the child says to get your goat.

This takes practice.

For those of us who were raised to “be nice,” confrontation like this is extremely difficult. Growth into maturity is never comfortable. It does not come naturally to your child. You make it happen by skillful parenting.

Let’s face it: your children have raised you from their childhood. They know what buttons to push in order to get their way with you.

The charmer and the negotiator are no less disobedient than the child who strides forth to take control.

However, in Tools for Teaching. Dr. Jones puts it best: “Any time you want to increase your power,

1. Shut up,
2. slow down,
3. relax,
4. get close, and
5. kill time.” [2]

Here’s your challenge

Practice steps 1-5. Stay silent. Slow down with deep breathing. Relax your shoulders and stomach. Get within three feet of your child. Move slowly closer if the bad behavior continues after you are close. Get eye to eye and stay there while your child squirms and tries to make you go away.

Role play this proactive—non-reactive—stance with a friend or in front of a video camera or mirror. Also try having a friend videotape you with your child so you can read your own body language.

This is phase one of discipline. What you do when you get close can make or break your discipline.

Never, never, never let a rebel win.

Never retreat until your child takes action to obey. Keep your actions slow. Back up two steps and watch some more to be sure the child’s action is what you want.  Then slowly move away.  You have all day to enforce the rules.

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[1] See Tools for teaching by Dr. Fredric H. Jones, Ph.D with Patrick Jones and JoLynne Jones, Section 6.[2] Fredric H. Jones, Chapaters 15, 16, Tools for teaching.