Stress Free Discipline

When is fun not fun any more?

In case you missed Dr. Archibald Hart’s presentation of his latest book, “Thrilled to Death“, here’s a summary of what he said in a recent (6/25/08) Focus on the Family broadcast: Over-stimulation “hijacks the pleasure center of the brain,” first flooding it with cortisol- and adrenalin-stimulated joy, then blocking the ability to feel joy.

When a person is multitasking, for example, his or her body is constantly bombarded with cortisol and adrenalin, leading at first to a sense of pleasure and accomplishment.  Then, as the experience is prolonged, there is a reduced capacity to experience pleasure. 

Consider the physical experience like holding a small glass of water at arm’s length.  For a while one can enjoy the experience of success, but then the weariness sets in. 

This is precisely what happens when people are addicted to a “recreational” drug.  First the high, then it takes more and more of the substance to feel good.  The problem here is that life is a do-it-to-yourself project.  We can pursue what is bad for us.

Brain Damage

As the brain is first over-stimulated, then dulled, there is reversible brain damage to that pleasure center of the brain.  The constant over-stimulation leads to extreme thrill-seeking in an effort to feel pleasure, since the victim suffers from anhedonia.  Anhedonia leads not only to a negative sort of boredom, but to apathy and depression. 

This cycle is especially damaging for children. 

Too much media stimulation, for example, has been shown to reduce performance on standardized tests, according to a December 24, 2007 article by Caleb Crain in The New Yorker, page 138. 

Children are also at high risk since weary, over-stimulated parents park them in front of movies instead to doing Legos, for example, to build the ability to use their own imagination, transfer learning, achieve real self worth, and socialize in the process.  Social workers of my acquaintance tell me that today’s youth are poorly socialized.

Not all boredom is the same

Boredom due to under-stimulations leads to the development and use of imagination or creativity.  As my mother used to say, “If you can’t find something to be happy doing, I’ll put you to work.”  That tactic worked on me.  I read books and raised my I.Q. in the process.

What I’ve been saying for years is being explained in a different, well researched way by Dr. Hart.  His book is a must read for our own good.

Our American ingenuity (creative ability to solve problems) is endangered by our focus on over-stimulation, since we then pursue pleasure to our detriment.  We cause our own depression, boredom and apathy, and the joy of life is gone.  We are becoming more and more addicted to the pursuit but less and less satisfied and certainly less happy with the result of our “pleasant” activities. We are being destroyed by our own ignorant desires.  Odd, the Bible said that (Phil. 3:19).

Besides being less happy, we are going to be less able to compete on the global marketplace. 

Our competitive edge is based in our ability to create.  Other countries copy.  We invent.

When families malfunction they may not know how to do target correction.  Do not play the blame game!  Use win-win techniques.

Agree on some ground rules for your quarrels. 

Quality Progress (Redmond, 2007, 80) moves people closer to a solution in 60 minutes with four basic tools. Redmond’s suggestions are similar to those made by Richard Feder and John Mitchell nineteen years earlier in a ‘4-day task force’ (1988, August).

Rule 1 - Agree on time management

Both sources argue for the restriction of time as a key to efficiency.  While some problems may require more urgency, sixty minutes is an arbitrary time in which Redmond demonstrates problem solving.

Please do not vent for hours without allowing some kind of decision to be made.  Repeating your beef over and over just makes your family more “hard of hearing” each time you speak. 

It is hard to respect someone who chooses not to be rational.  Vent to an older friend who can talk with you like your grandmother might.  They’ve been down that road and have seen what works or does not work.

The following are simple, but not easy ground rules for problem solving.

Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: faith,truth,lost

When I taught on the Navajo Reservation I drove delinquents home sometimes, or to a bus stop.

On this occasion the winter darkness overtook us as he directed me to his family hogan. I could barely see it after miles of driving

“Uncles are drunk by now,” he said. The hogan, never very large, would be like a cell for him.

“I’m sorry they drink like that.” I said.

He shrugged. “Sure you can find your way back?”

”Sure,” I said. “The power plant is all lit up there for a landmark. No problem.”

I let him out, realizing that I had forgotten those many turns at least a mile back. Foolhardy, I wanted to explore and let God show me the way home. Pride was in the mix.

Besides, what was I to do, take the student back to my house?

There were no street signs on the dirt tracks. The crisp night was pitch black. A few mountains and hills were dimly silhouetted by fragile moonlight and the distant power plant flood lamps. Good news: a full tank of gas. All was dirt roads and arroyos (dry creek beds).

I had no road map on the reservation. Criminals hide easily here their whole lives. Besides, since the jail was condemned, they were escorted to their own homes in police cars.

Faith was a daily necessity but this was foolhardy.  I lost sight of the power plant after a couple of turns. “Wait a minute, we only went through one arroyo on the way here,” I thought. “Well, LORD, it’s me again. I am proof you love idiots. We make you look really good.  Was that the turn back there?”

I coasted home on fumes after rambling at least a hundred miles out of my way.

Here’s a true or false test:

True religion is based on experience, on feelings. You don’t need a road map. You can just feel your way. They’re all the same anyway.

True or false?

Technorati Tags: jail,ministry,rules,consequences,money management,boundaries.

When my sons were pre-teens we had a small jail visitation ministry and they saw first-hand the consequences of writing a lot of bad checks. This experience was very motivational for them, and part of training in conscientiousness (a key element, according to research, in long and healthy life).

Consider involving children early in the process of helping you write checks and balance the checkbook. A second grader can help you add and subtract. Grocery shopping is a time you can give cash for your child to pick his or her favorite fruit and vegetables.  As soon as computer skills become important to your child, have them watch you with QuickBooks, then watch them as they help you enter expenses, sorting out tax items as you go.

A three or four year-old can learn how you choose what you buy at the market.  Soft fruit, green fruit–teaching the gentle squeeze helps with defining what is O.K. for pet handling as well as fruit choices. Unit pricing on the shelf tags can be a learning experience for older children.  As soon as children can understand what money is, they can use a dollar to find a toy at the 99-cent store.

The idea is to help them understand real world limits and luxuries.  Real Consequences are essential.  You don’t have the grow your own food, but you do have to afford it.

When one of my sons was five years old, he scratched his name all over the outside wooden paneling of the preschool building. I explained to him that since I could not pay a painter and had the skills, my consequence was to refinish that wall.

His consequence was to pay a fine: his weekly “donut money” (routinely given by a sweet church senior). He paid in person to the principal for three weeks.

While the principal said it wasn’t necessary, it did teach a well-remembered lesson. When he was six and bowed in a plate glass window by leaning on it, all I had to say was “WOW!  Look at that window bend. If it breaks, that is A LOT of donut money.” He jumped away from the window like it was a hot griddle.

Children can remind you to set aside savings.  Play “You be the parent and I’ll be the child” to test learning. Teens can help you to prioritize your spending.

You model and teach them important concepts. What is important long term that needs to be saved for?  What sacrifices now will make a big difference later?  They master the concepts through practice.  They minister the concepts through service to you.  Remember that learning needs reinforcement to become mastery.  Sacrifice is part of love.

Money management concepts are crammed into one or two classroom hours of Senior Economics class in public schools.  Sacrifice and love are not taught there.  An economic survey course is useless when students need many hours of practice and discussion. Most of them won’t absorb enough financial vocabulary and basic ideas at school to prepare them for success in life.  You are responsible for teaching money management.

Buy Ron and Judy Blue and Jeremy White’s new book: Your Kids Can Master Their Money by Tyndale House Publishers.

My book just touches the surface of what can be done to give children financial skills.

Be aware also that many states impose severe consequences on parents for their child’s misbehavior.

For example, your state may fine or jail you for letting your child participate in theft or gangs. Clearly you want to establish the kinds of bonds with your child which will prevent their need for re-parenting by gangs.

In many states you can be evicted from public housing if your child is using or selling drugs. Laws constantly change, so it is good to educate yourself on juvenile law.

Prevention of criminal behavior depends on showing your child the consequences of not following the rules. Rule-following behavior is something you teach early in life.  Your three year old needs consequences every time he or she disobeys a rule.  Rules need to be simple and posted in print. 

I recommend a family trip to the courthouse, jail or D.A.’s office. It is very educational for all of you. Interview the D.A.  Ask about common errors teens make that get them in trouble with the law.  Your children will never forget a real lesson.

Check out the American Bar Association’s Division for Public Education (www.abanet.org).

Crime prevention is all about consistent consequences. One way to teach consequences is to have a mini-jail ministry.

Part of good parenting involves teaching what to do. Another part is teaching what not to do. It is up to you.

Technorati Tags: greed,competition,power struggles,distraction,complications

Have you ever noticed how you get overwhelmed and poor when you are not paying attention? Part of stress free discipline is simplifying and focusing your life.

I’m angry at myself for spending $3,000 on storage for family photos, old papers, projects I’ll never do, and stuff belonging to other people.  Why accept stress from unfinished business?

It reminds me of the greedy child who sucks out more and more privileges when you are tired or distracted. Maybe those distractions are your media time. Maybe you do not feel like paying attention. Maybe you’re not getting enough rest.

At some point you realize that your distractions have complicated your life by locking you into expensive storage while ignoring current business.

You cannot find money for what you would rather do because it is tied up in storage. You cannot deal with today because you are busy dusting off or paying off yesterday.  In personal terms, you’re constantly pushed past your patience into an unhappy relationship with your greedy child.

When you are distracted, you give your child the nod, and he or she gains power over your time.  You give in to make the problem go away but it becomes a monster instead.

You realize that you do not like yourself or your child. Arguments, nasty competition and power grabs have become routine. Other children are hurt by the greedy taking behavior of the Prince or Princess. It’s all unfair.

Pushy behavior gets extra privileges for a greedy child. He or she wins, and even assumes that greed, power and status make him or her attractive!

First, find out if teachers and others are having the same problems you are.

If the pushy Prince needs it, do a conference with your child and affected adults. Put all responsibility for immature behavior on your child.

Explain that the secret of maturity is not grabbing things, getting older, or being experienced. The secret is growing out of the grabbing phase into the giving habit.

Your pushy Princess must stop demanding special menus rather than what everyone else is eating. Beginning at age three, if you give in,she will build her “success” with you into a lifetime of eating disorders.

Nobody can afford the consequences of letting greed go or be justified.

God’s word says “Even a child is judged by his works.” (Proverbs 20:11)

You are the judge. Do not think God will let you escape your duty. This is not a time for modeling non-judgmental behavior.

Here’s your challenge

Remember the difference between discernment and judgment (or critical thinking.) Critical thinking is the highest order of thinking skill.  It is essential for your own well being.  You need to teach it to your child and to yourself, if need be. 

You are responsible. Remember Eli (I Samuel 2:22-25ff).  He was punished by God for not disciplining his sons. 

God holds you accountable for your child’s bad behavior just as the law does.

You can still be kind, speaking the truth in love.

Begin by defining and exploring what greed is. 

Greed is a type of attitude or behavior which demands special privileges for one person at the expense of others, grasping things that others need or own…etc.

Once you have a definition everyone understands, apply it to simple situations which make the meaning of the term very clear.  A greedy person buys a dozen donuts and eats them all himself.  A greedy woman may control others by dominating their time with demands, complaints, and manipulation.  A greedy child will not share with others even when she has had a toy to herself for a reasonable time.

Then ask your child to define the opposite of greed.  Find examples, then reward any small unselfish action in your child.

You could do something as simple as give three cheers for good manners. “Hip, hip, HOORAY! Hip, hip, HOORAY!  Hip, hip, HOORAY!”  Recognition, clapping and enthusiasm go a long way toward inspiring a child.

 Stress Free Discipline rewards every good choice and gives grace on top of that. It also recognizes achievement, services, manners, and family friendly thinking. If your Prince is doing better at school,  Stress Free Discipline provides a format for following through on and rewarding those good choices.

Do be firm, consistent, and strong. Every poor choice must have consequences.

Remember, it is gentle abrasion that breaks a cliff into a pebble. Your child can wear you down by endless small demands if you are not strong, firm, and consistent.  Everyone will be stressed by your weakness.

–By the way, how is your relationship with God? Have distractions abraded your love down to a small memory? Where do you fit in the Parent-Child greed picture?

Is your love affair with God in expensive storage?  Pay attention.

It was 65 degrees below zero wind chill as I walked to school in Bristol Bay, Alaska.

Wolf’s fur around my hood could have avoided the frost build up, but  I couldn’t bring myself to buy a pelt. They hung around the general store, the “Farthest North Grocery Store” in Alaska.  Other teachers, my peers, felt no discomfort about buying wolf pelts.  I never quite fit, it seems, into the survival mind set.  I wrapped a scratchy wool scarf across my face so it wouldn’t freeze off.

Crystalline air glowed around a few street lights. The still darkness was broken only by the crunch of my boots on ice-crisp snow. A porcupine moved leisurely across my path. I could hardly see what it was until I crept up close. Whew. It was too close for my comfort.

The Dillingham city limits included wildlife and tundra.

During “break-up” the snow melted and refroze in spots. I fell twice despite my care…dislocated my shoulder…couldn’t sleep for 3 months. Students had to do my writing on the whiteboard.

The romance of the northern lights was dimmed by pain.

On top of that I struggled with mysterious illness which made me feel like some alien had sucked out my blood and replaced it with water. Teaching became a nightmare. 

Every spare dime was spent on medical expenses: I flew to Anchorage for medical care several times. The principal told me to leave mid-year but I needed the income and fought leaving through the teacher’s union.  I slept on the floor of my supply closet as soon as school was over so I could get up again to do schoolwork before collapsing again at home.

I failed my first year of teaching in Alaska.  After 19 years my career was over.

I was not a pioneer. In June I left teaching and moved to Anchorage where there was more medical help.

My diagnoses included mercury toxicity, Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysregulation, fibromyalgia, Epstein Barr virus and adrenal exhaustion. Doctors shrugged their shoulders and tried various means to make me functional. None worked. 

I slogged through trying to work off my co-pay until my insurance ran out.

I became disabled, homeless, and unable to do anything for more than two or three hours a day.  I felt like a broken doll face down in a muddy ditch.  I considered and rejected suicide.

I was convinced that God had a plan for my life.  Four years passed with no relief and no answers. I sold my car to a couple who defaulted on the payments and disappeared.

A few kind people helped me. I slept six weeks on my doctor’s home office floor.

Most of my peers misunderstood the nature of my illnesses.  I didn’t look ill. 

They pressured me to be like them, to get over it, to straighten up.  They told me to work harder, spend more, move on. 

Perhaps they thought I was lazy or mental.  I thought that at first.  A nurse who had rented me a room in her large home told me to leave when my money ran out.  I went to the Anchorage Rescue Mission in tears.

Other posts detail the first 18 months of disability, homelessness and ten months of down time in bed.

Where was God during that time? He was pulling me through, although it was a tough road to travel.

Why? He never explains Himself to people in the Bible. I couldn’t understand if He tried to tell me why bad things happen. God was silent, but He gave me hope on the shoulder of life’s highway.

Insights and Applications

Listening to three or four radio sermons daily focused my mind on "things above" my own misery.  It was essential to pain management to put my thoughts somewhere besides on myself.

Ten years later my life focus has completely changed. I am still disabled, but have grieved the loss, then learned more ways to manage and enjoy what I have. I may never have the stamina to teach full time, but I manage 48 apartments instead.

I have learned to pace myself rather than seek the highs and lows of kamikaze living. Previously, I would run full speed in an emotional high, collapse from exhaustion, run full speed again, collapse again. 

Now I walk, enjoy the sights in depth, rest, meditate, listen.

I don’t know what is next.  I see greater growth through the pruning God has fostered in me.

John 15:1-5 and Jeremiah 29:11 have become so important I read them over to myself again and again.

I consider the Bible essential for my well being. It was that which persuaded me that God has a purpose for everything under Heaven.