Stress-Free Discipline

self-discipline, child discipline, happiness, healthy relationships, self-control, family breakdown.

Personal financial hardship is only one cost of  divorce. 

According to CitizenLink.org, a study done by the Institute for American Values has found that the breakdown of families costs U.S. taxpayers at least $112 billion yearly.  The national, state and local costs–which add up to more than $1 trillion over the last decade–are caused, in part, by high poverty rates of single, female-headed households, which lead to higher spending on welfare, criminal justice and education programs.” (Williams, 2008, 1) 

What could the government do with a trillion dollars to create jobs and a better quality of life?  What could parents do with a little more in their bank account and lower taxes for preventable problems?  This is not rocket science.  It has to do with self-control and intelligent work toward family health.

The human cost of family breakup cannot be calculated.  While the average mother looses quality of life as she enters the ranks of the poor, there are many hidden costs.  If she got a divorce wanting control and freedom, her impulse control problems have bad consequences.  She is so overwhelmed with an additional work load–an impossible blend of the need to provide adequate income and good parenting–that she is unable to discipline her children or teach them essential skills. 

Happiness research by Dr. Ed. Diener of the University of Illinois indicates that we are most happy when our ability and the task at hand are closely matched.(see www.psych.uluc.edu/~ediener/research/research.html).  Poor parents can only be miserable, single parents are all stressed, and both children and parents suffer the kind of pressures which lead to poor health, depression, dysfunction, violence and full-blown mental illness. Read the rest of this entry »

A young man wrote me this:

This weekend was a mess with the 4-year-old being sick… he is sort of okay. He was really coughing up phlem last two nights, I didn’t get much sleep… and to top it all off, _______ and I broke up… AGAIN… yesterday afternoon. I think this is the final time. This time I told the boys –

My 6-year-old was devastated and broke down three times in the half hour between my house and his mother’s.  I told her in a text message so she would know what was up – just a complete worthless weekend.

I don’t know really what to say – after four or five times I just figured it best to at least let the kids know. It’s not any fun but they come first in my life and the sooner they get over it the better I think.  I didn’t want to do the same thing I had with my previous girlfriend – just telling them that she’s unavailable.

Oh well, I hope I didn’t scar my oldest for life.

I said,

These are teachable moments:  teach the boys that friends–much as we would like them to be for a lifetime–may self-select out of our circle because of their vastly different values, or by moving away, or having different interests as they grow up…along with examples of what those differences may be.  Ask the boys for reasons and examples to make it real for them, and keep it all interactive.  Use simple sentences, because what I’m telling you is concept-dense.

Everyone is free to make choices, which may be positive or negative in their impact on ourselves or others.

Pain is something God came to earth to heal, and it is caused by sin, a Bible word for selfishness and greed…pray with your eldest that

1. God will heal his hungry heart, and
2. that another person will come into your lives who has interest in you all and willingness to sacrifice time and effort for your benefit.
3. Help him to look for the blessings to come when you submit to God, who allows worldly pain for a purpose.

He is getting old enough to begin defining some important value-laden words such as selfishness (with Bible examples)…Better understanding will shed the light of Christ on that black hole of pain.

Use this format for definitions:  Selfishness is a type of __________ (you fill in the blank:  is it feelings?  attitude resulting in behavior?) with the following characteristics:

• the selfish person cannot see, admit the importance of  other people’s needs,
• a selfish person will not  act on behalf of other people’s needs,
• a selfish person will not consider their feelings, their health or safety, etc.

Read the rest of this entry »

Selfishness is worth another look when I have time, but here’s advice I just posted to my son, who is looking for a mate.

Selfishness is the default answer for all humans.  We don’t have to remain there.  A self-centered relationship or a performance-based relationship will not bring long-term happiness.  A Christ-centered relationship will last the long journey of joyful marriage. Read the rest of this entry »

When families malfunction they may not know how to do target correction.  Do not play the blame game!  Use win-win techniques.

Agree on some ground rules for your quarrels. 

Quality Progress (Redmond, 2007, 80) moves people closer to a solution in 60 minutes with four basic tools. Redmond’s suggestions are similar to those made by Richard Feder and John Mitchell nineteen years earlier in a ‘4-day task force’ (1988, August).

Rule 1 – Agree on time management

Both sources argue for the restriction of time as a key to efficiency.  While some problems may require more urgency, sixty minutes is an arbitrary time in which Redmond demonstrates problem solving.

Please do not vent for hours without allowing some kind of decision to be made.  Repeating your beef over and over just makes your family more “hard of hearing” each time you speak. 

It is hard to respect someone who chooses not to be rational.  Vent to an older friend who can talk with you like your grandmother might.  They’ve been down that road and have seen what works or does not work.

The following are simple, but not easy ground rules for problem solving.

Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: parenting,

peer pressure,violence,pain,sex,power struggles,self-confidence,attention,parenting

A bad mouth and a bad temper with pushy behavior are marks of a bully.  We may feel the bully cannot change.

That bully may be any age. He or she rules a corner of the world by constant harsh “put downs” or taking advantage of others.

A bully feels peer pressure to change, but is stuck in a hard place.

Confrontations are constant when the rights of others are squashed and they fight back.  This may be the bully’s only way to relate to others!

The bully may be a loner or a gang leader, since he or she looks for trouble and responds to all interactions by fighting, criticism or arguments.

Sometimes a psychologist will suggest that the bully sit next to or work with the opposite sex in school if relationships are obviously off base and needing modification.  Good counseling is essential if your child has progressed from small bully behavior to serious criminal behavior.

The bully rules by intimidating others but sometimes protects weak friends from other bullies.

At school, the bully often has learning problems caused by emotional distress.

At home, siblings become emotional and easily upset.

The bully leaves a whirlwind of pain behind his or her own pain.

Parents may be promoting fighting, saturating the bully in violent media or setting a bad example by dealing with problems by violence.

Parental Responsibility In Bullying Behavior Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: hatred,aggression,revenge,criticism,defensiveness,boredom

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I really could not understand Max’s hatred. He hated Reading, Blacks, Native Americans, Jews, and Catholics and a long list of other things. He had poor skills and no patience.  He was only fifteen.

He actually had no interests but hate. None. As a public school teacher, I knew it was a mistake to ignore, reject or force forgiveness on Max. I chose to accept him as he was. He had no friends, after all. Other students ignored him.

This is beyond negative. Perhaps your child has shown aggressive, anti-rule behavior.

Her revenge, grudges and criticism have given her power over others.

She seems unapproachable. While she has some sympathetic followers, she creates constant tension. She is unsuccessful and defensive in ways that hinder growth. Your son may do all of the above in a defensive, loner way.

Perhaps you worry about your child’s continuous and total lack of interest in activities. Your child cannot work well with others, and your usual discipline techniques are not effective.

You are angry, on edge and on guard, but must act in love if you want results.

Professional counseling is part of your plan. Stress Free Discipline is another part. Used consistently, Stress Free Discipline provides the acceptance, pain relief, trust and status these youth need.

Hate is distilled pain. A small hurt can become a wildfire of hate.

Never ignore it, react personally, judge or trivialize your child’s problem. Never discuss him with other children or think you know how he or she feels. Consider how God treats our bad temper, greed, power grabs, and pride.

Counseling is unavoidable.  Choose wisely.  What you have been doing until now needs an upgrade.  It has not been working.

A good counselor will take one or two hours to test all family members for anger management styles, personality differences, communication styles and problem solving techniques.

With those tools you and your family can work through the tough times.  Stop your entertainments and time wasters and focus on healing work.

Memorize the tools.  Learn to use them. Get help when times are tough.  Sacrifice time and effort for teamwork and lifelong love relationships.  You do not have forever.  Every day that passes makes healing more difficult.

Technorati Tags: stress,consistent discipline,colds,sharing,leadership

When I was Drew’s age, I thought that if I gave my cold to someone else I would not have it anymore.

Now I make sure my grandchildren understand they’ll both be miserable if they share a cold.

 The passage of stress is much like sharing a cold. 

I can accept Drew’s stress that he is not getting what he wants when he wants it. I will feel miserable and he gets spoiled. I can make exceptions to the rules. I can slide around rules the easy way, being inconsistent. I become a bad parent, or in my case, grandparent. Good parenting is too much work!

If your children are constantly testing you, they have been conditioned to obey you only when you are stressed: (1) standing over them, (2) constantly repeating directions and giving them all of your attention, perhaps (3) screaming at them or hitting them.

Only then, they notice, do you really mean it.

When you aren’t looking, they are doing as they please. As they grow, you age. When you want shared goals, they’re “doing their own thing.” Your family is fragmented. You’re a nag. They’re escaping responsibility, piling it on you, or getting even for your on-again, off-again discipline in underhanded ways.

When you accept your child’s stress, you’re burdened and angry.

It’s no favor to them to let them have their way, but you’re too weary (from the stress you have chosen) to do what is right. Poor discipline is too much work!

Make that child obey!  Discipline is not punishment most of the time but it is consistent consequences.

Ask yourself: Does my child put stress on me to give him or her what she wants? Have I trained her to be bad by changing the rules?  Is this good in the long run? Is this like a cold: we’ll both be miserable?  Whose problem is this? 

“Meaning it” is stressing the child enough so that he or she chooses to obey rules over getting his/her own way.  If you are consistent, poor behavior will self-destruct in a couple of weeks.

Technorati Tags: greed,competition,power struggles,distraction,complications

Have you ever noticed how you get overwhelmed and poor when you are not paying attention? Part of stress free discipline is simplifying and focusing your life.

I’m angry at myself for spending $3,000 on storage for family photos, old papers, projects I’ll never do, and stuff belonging to other people.  Why accept stress from unfinished business?

It reminds me of the greedy child who sucks out more and more privileges when you are tired or distracted. Maybe those distractions are your media time. Maybe you do not feel like paying attention. Maybe you’re not getting enough rest.

At some point you realize that your distractions have complicated your life by locking you into expensive storage while ignoring current business.

You cannot find money for what you would rather do because it is tied up in storage. You cannot deal with today because you are busy dusting off or paying off yesterday.  In personal terms, you’re constantly pushed past your patience into an unhappy relationship with your greedy child.

When you are distracted, you give your child the nod, and he or she gains power over your time.  You give in to make the problem go away but it becomes a monster instead.

You realize that you do not like yourself or your child. Arguments, nasty competition and power grabs have become routine. Other children are hurt by the greedy taking behavior of the Prince or Princess. It’s all unfair.

Pushy behavior gets extra privileges for a greedy child. He or she wins, and even assumes that greed, power and status make him or her attractive!

First, find out if teachers and others are having the same problems you are.

If the pushy Prince needs it, do a conference with your child and affected adults. Put all responsibility for immature behavior on your child.

Explain that the secret of maturity is not grabbing things, getting older, or being experienced. The secret is growing out of the grabbing phase into the giving habit.

Your pushy Princess must stop demanding special menus rather than what everyone else is eating. Beginning at age three, if you give in,she will build her “success” with you into a lifetime of eating disorders.

Nobody can afford the consequences of letting greed go or be justified.

God’s word says “Even a child is judged by his works.” (Proverbs 20:11)

You are the judge. Do not think God will let you escape your duty. This is not a time for modeling non-judgmental behavior.

Here’s your challenge

Remember the difference between discernment and judgment (or critical thinking.) Critical thinking is the highest order of thinking skill.  It is essential for your own well being.  You need to teach it to your child and to yourself, if need be. 

You are responsible. Remember Eli (I Samuel 2:22-25ff).  He was punished by God for not disciplining his sons. 

God holds you accountable for your child’s bad behavior just as the law does.

You can still be kind, speaking the truth in love.

Begin by defining and exploring what greed is. 

Greed is a type of attitude or behavior which demands special privileges for one person at the expense of others, grasping things that others need or own…etc.

Once you have a definition everyone understands, apply it to simple situations which make the meaning of the term very clear.  A greedy person buys a dozen donuts and eats them all himself.  A greedy woman may control others by dominating their time with demands, complaints, and manipulation.  A greedy child will not share with others even when she has had a toy to herself for a reasonable time.

Then ask your child to define the opposite of greed.  Find examples, then reward any small unselfish action in your child.

You could do something as simple as give three cheers for good manners. “Hip, hip, HOORAY! Hip, hip, HOORAY!  Hip, hip, HOORAY!”  Recognition, clapping and enthusiasm go a long way toward inspiring a child.

 Stress Free Discipline rewards every good choice and gives grace on top of that. It also recognizes achievement, services, manners, and family friendly thinking. If your Prince is doing better at school,  Stress Free Discipline provides a format for following through on and rewarding those good choices.

Do be firm, consistent, and strong. Every poor choice must have consequences.

Remember, it is gentle abrasion that breaks a cliff into a pebble. Your child can wear you down by endless small demands if you are not strong, firm, and consistent.  Everyone will be stressed by your weakness.

–By the way, how is your relationship with God? Have distractions abraded your love down to a small memory? Where do you fit in the Parent-Child greed picture?

Is your love affair with God in expensive storage?  Pay attention.