Stress Free Discipline

When families malfunction they may not know how to do target correction.  Do not play the blame game!  Use win-win techniques.

Agree on some ground rules for your quarrels. 

Quality Progress (Redmond, 2007, 80) moves people closer to a solution in 60 minutes with four basic tools. Redmond’s suggestions are similar to those made by Richard Feder and John Mitchell nineteen years earlier in a ‘4-day task force’ (1988, August).

Rule 1 - Agree on time management

Both sources argue for the restriction of time as a key to efficiency.  While some problems may require more urgency, sixty minutes is an arbitrary time in which Redmond demonstrates problem solving.

Please do not vent for hours without allowing some kind of decision to be made.  Repeating your beef over and over just makes your family more “hard of hearing” each time you speak. 

It is hard to respect someone who chooses not to be rational.  Vent to an older friend who can talk with you like your grandmother might.  They’ve been down that road and have seen what works or does not work.

The following are simple, but not easy ground rules for problem solving.

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Technorati Tags: parenting,

peer pressure,violence,pain,sex,power struggles,self-confidence,attention,parenting

A bad mouth and a bad temper with pushy behavior are marks of a bully.  We may feel the bully cannot change.

That bully may be any age. He or she rules a corner of the world by constant harsh “put downs” or taking advantage of others. 

A bully feels peer pressure to change, but is stuck in a hard place.

Confrontations are constant when the rights of others are squashed and they fight back.  This may be the bully’s only way to relate to others!

The bully may be a loner or a gang leader, since he or she looks for trouble and responds to all interactions by fighting, criticism or arguments.

Sometimes a psychologist will suggest that the bully sit next to or work with the opposite sex in school if relationships are obviously off base and needing modification.  Good counseling is essential if your child has progressed from small bully behavior to serious criminal behavior.

The bully rules by intimidating others but sometimes protects weak friends from other bullies.

At school, the bully often has learning problems caused by emotional distress.

At home, siblings become emotional and easily upset.

The bully leaves a whirlwind of pain behind his or her own pain.

Parents may be promoting fighting, saturating the bully in violent media or setting a bad example by dealing with problems by violence.

Parental Responsibility In Bullying Behavior

If parents are weak in discipline or too harsh, inconsistent or belligerent, they may be training their child in the dynamics of bully behavior. 

The father who is permissive while drinking and harsh when he is hung over is a bad example.

Parents may express their own pain with bullying behavior. Your temper fit only shows your failure at impulse control. You are trying to teach impulse control.

Does Mother only “mean it” when she is in a screaming temper fit, throwing things or smacking a seven year old around?

Does Dad punish without clear rules and a carefully crafted love relationship?

All possibility of teamwork is gone while time is wasted with fighting. Be consistent with discipline but gentle. 

The bully becomes special by abusing power.

While some may be frightened by a bully, others may think this behavior is funny. At home and school the bully stops all teamwork, learning and positive interaction. The bully enjoys attention he or she gets from peers and adults, even if that attention is negative.

Even though a bully knows abusive relationships are wrong, he or she needs to escape the pain of failure in relationships, insecurity or a poor self-concept.

Bully behavior could show a lack of coping skills and fear of failure in relating to others.

Bully behavior makes a person feel independent and in control of life.

Parents, do not assume your bully is tough or an extrovert for being loud and pushy.

Your bully may be in the 25% of Americans who are introverts, made uncomfortable in social situations or by our cultural hyperactivity. 

Is your bully pushed by you into awkward, failing situations?  Are you expecting your child to be your clone, forcing her into situations she cannot possibly enjoy?  When did the bully behavior begin?

Explain, if your bully is school age, that bully threats have consequences. When any threat is made, require the child to stop and think in a “cooling off time” first.

Make it clear that if bully chooses to fight after cooling off, fighting is then “premeditated,” and will carry a harsher penalty.

Dissolving the Bully

Since bullies accept bigger responsibility well, give him or her an impressive job that builds higher status into their self-concept. At home it will be something that only adults have done up until now.

Do be gentle but consistent. Use only as much power as necessary. Your best tool is loving time spent one-on-one until your child moves out of this phase.

Also, suggest that your bully say, “My parents won’t let me fight” at school or home. That will let bully back out gracefully from useless confrontations.

If the confrontations have been with a teacher, help your child identify the triggers for these fights and quietly identify your child’s own unrecognized character flaws. 

Always carry through. Never let a rebel win.  Be consistent with discipline but gentle. 

If you have trouble with this, get counsel.

Praise every step in the right direction. Love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Make your own transparency and vulnerability clear as a pattern for your bully to follow. It is strong to express your need for help, feelings of stress, and desire for teamwork.

Technorati Tags: hatred,aggression,revenge,criticism,defensiveness,boredom

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I really could not understand Max’s hatred. He hated Reading, Blacks, Native Americans, Jews, and Catholics and a long list of other things. He had poor skills and no patience.  He was only fifteen.

He actually had no interests but hate. None. As a public school teacher, I knew it was a mistake to ignore, reject or force forgiveness on Max. I chose to accept him as he was. He had no friends, after all. Other students ignored him.

This is beyond negative. Perhaps your child has shown aggressive, anti-rule behavior.

Her revenge, grudges and criticism have given her power over others.

She seems unapproachable. While she has some sympathetic followers, she creates constant tension. She is unsuccessful and defensive in ways that hinder growth. Your son may do all of the above in a defensive, loner way.

Perhaps you worry about your child’s continuous and total lack of interest in activities. Your child cannot work well with others, and your usual discipline techniques are not effective.

You are angry, on edge and on guard, but must act in love if you want results.

Professional counseling is part of your plan. Stress Free Discipline is another part. Used consistently, Stress Free Discipline provides the acceptance, pain relief, trust and status these youth need.

Hate is distilled pain. A small hurt can become a wildfire of hate.

Never ignore it, react personally, judge or trivialize your child’s problem. Never discuss him with other children or think you know how he or she feels. Consider how God treats our bad temper, greed, power grabs, and pride.

Counseling is unavoidable.  Choose wisely.  What you have been doing until now needs an upgrade.  It has not been working.

A good counselor will take one or two hours to test all family members for anger management styles, personality differences, communication styles and problem solving techniques.

With those tools you and your family can work through the tough times.  Stop your entertainments and time wasters and focus on healing work.

Memorize the tools.  Learn to use them. Get help when times are tough.  Sacrifice time and effort for teamwork and lifelong love relationships.  You do not have forever.  Every day that passes makes healing more difficult.

Technorati Tags: stress,consistent discipline,colds,sharing,leadership

When I was Drew’s age, I thought that if I gave my cold to someone else I would not have it anymore.

Now I make sure my grandchildren understand they’ll both be miserable if they share a cold.

 The passage of stress is much like sharing a cold. 

I can accept Drew’s stress that he is not getting what he wants when he wants it. I will feel miserable and he gets spoiled. I can make exceptions to the rules. I can slide around rules the easy way, being inconsistent. I become a bad parent, or in my case, grandparent. Good parenting is too much work!

If your children are constantly testing you, they have been conditioned to obey you only when you are stressed: (1) standing over them, (2) constantly repeating directions and giving them all of your attention, perhaps (3) screaming at them or hitting them.

Only then, they notice, do you really mean it.

When you aren’t looking, they are doing as they please. As they grow, you age. When you want shared goals, they’re “doing their own thing.” Your family is fragmented. You’re a nag. They’re escaping responsibility, piling it on you, or getting even for your on-again, off-again discipline in underhanded ways.

When you accept your child’s stress, you’re burdened and angry.

It’s no favor to them to let them have their way, but you’re too weary (from the stress you have chosen) to do what is right. Poor discipline is too much work!

Make that child obey!  Discipline is not punishment most of the time but it is consistent consequences.

Ask yourself: Does my child put stress on me to give him or her what she wants? Have I trained her to be bad by changing the rules?  Is this good in the long run? Is this like a cold: we’ll both be miserable?  Whose problem is this? 

“Meaning it” is stressing the child enough so that he or she chooses to obey rules over getting his/her own way.  If you are consistent, poor behavior will self-destruct in a couple of weeks.

Technorati Tags: greed,competition,power struggles,distraction,complications

Have you ever noticed how you get overwhelmed and poor when you are not paying attention? Part of stress free discipline is simplifying and focusing your life.

I’m angry at myself for spending $3,000 on storage for family photos, old papers, projects I’ll never do, and stuff belonging to other people.  Why accept stress from unfinished business?

It reminds me of the greedy child who sucks out more and more privileges when you are tired or distracted. Maybe those distractions are your media time. Maybe you do not feel like paying attention. Maybe you’re not getting enough rest.

At some point you realize that your distractions have complicated your life by locking you into expensive storage while ignoring current business.

You cannot find money for what you would rather do because it is tied up in storage. You cannot deal with today because you are busy dusting off or paying off yesterday.  In personal terms, you’re constantly pushed past your patience into an unhappy relationship with your greedy child.

When you are distracted, you give your child the nod, and he or she gains power over your time.  You give in to make the problem go away but it becomes a monster instead.

You realize that you do not like yourself or your child. Arguments, nasty competition and power grabs have become routine. Other children are hurt by the greedy taking behavior of the Prince or Princess. It’s all unfair.

Pushy behavior gets extra privileges for a greedy child. He or she wins, and even assumes that greed, power and status make him or her attractive!

First, find out if teachers and others are having the same problems you are.

If the pushy Prince needs it, do a conference with your child and affected adults. Put all responsibility for immature behavior on your child.

Explain that the secret of maturity is not grabbing things, getting older, or being experienced. The secret is growing out of the grabbing phase into the giving habit.

Your pushy Princess must stop demanding special menus rather than what everyone else is eating. Beginning at age three, if you give in,she will build her “success” with you into a lifetime of eating disorders.

Nobody can afford the consequences of letting greed go or be justified.

God’s word says “Even a child is judged by his works.” (Proverbs 20:11)

You are the judge. Do not think God will let you escape your duty. This is not a time for modeling non-judgmental behavior.

Here’s your challenge

Remember the difference between discernment and judgment (or critical thinking.) Critical thinking is the highest order of thinking skill.  It is essential for your own well being.  You need to teach it to your child and to yourself, if need be. 

You are responsible. Remember Eli (I Samuel 2:22-25ff).  He was punished by God for not disciplining his sons. 

God holds you accountable for your child’s bad behavior just as the law does.

You can still be kind, speaking the truth in love.

Begin by defining and exploring what greed is. 

Greed is a type of attitude or behavior which demands special privileges for one person at the expense of others, grasping things that others need or own…etc.

Once you have a definition everyone understands, apply it to simple situations which make the meaning of the term very clear.  A greedy person buys a dozen donuts and eats them all himself.  A greedy woman may control others by dominating their time with demands, complaints, and manipulation.  A greedy child will not share with others even when she has had a toy to herself for a reasonable time.

Then ask your child to define the opposite of greed.  Find examples, then reward any small unselfish action in your child.

You could do something as simple as give three cheers for good manners. “Hip, hip, HOORAY! Hip, hip, HOORAY!  Hip, hip, HOORAY!”  Recognition, clapping and enthusiasm go a long way toward inspiring a child.

 Stress Free Discipline rewards every good choice and gives grace on top of that. It also recognizes achievement, services, manners, and family friendly thinking. If your Prince is doing better at school,  Stress Free Discipline provides a format for following through on and rewarding those good choices.

Do be firm, consistent, and strong. Every poor choice must have consequences.

Remember, it is gentle abrasion that breaks a cliff into a pebble. Your child can wear you down by endless small demands if you are not strong, firm, and consistent.  Everyone will be stressed by your weakness.

–By the way, how is your relationship with God? Have distractions abraded your love down to a small memory? Where do you fit in the Parent-Child greed picture?

Is your love affair with God in expensive storage?  Pay attention.