Stress Free Discipline

 

Technorati Tags: parenting,

peer pressure,violence,pain,sex,power struggles,self-confidence,attention,parenting

A bad mouth and a bad temper with pushy behavior are marks of a bully.  We may feel the bully cannot change.

That bully may be any age. He or she rules a corner of the world by constant harsh “put downs” or taking advantage of others. 

A bully feels peer pressure to change, but is stuck in a hard place.

Confrontations are constant when the rights of others are squashed and they fight back.  This may be the bully’s only way to relate to others!

The bully may be a loner or a gang leader, since he or she looks for trouble and responds to all interactions by fighting, criticism or arguments.

Sometimes a psychologist will suggest that the bully sit next to or work with the opposite sex in school if relationships are obviously off base and needing modification.  Good counseling is essential if your child has progressed from small bully behavior to serious criminal behavior.

The bully rules by intimidating others but sometimes protects weak friends from other bullies.

At school, the bully often has learning problems caused by emotional distress.

At home, siblings become emotional and easily upset.

The bully leaves a whirlwind of pain behind his or her own pain.

Parents may be promoting fighting, saturating the bully in violent media or setting a bad example by dealing with problems by violence.

Parental Responsibility In Bullying Behavior

If parents are weak in discipline or too harsh, inconsistent or belligerent, they may be training their child in the dynamics of bully behavior. 

The father who is permissive while drinking and harsh when he is hung over is a bad example.

Parents may express their own pain with bullying behavior. Your temper fit only shows your failure at impulse control. You are trying to teach impulse control.

Does Mother only “mean it” when she is in a screaming temper fit, throwing things or smacking a seven year old around?

Does Dad punish without clear rules and a carefully crafted love relationship?

All possibility of teamwork is gone while time is wasted with fighting. Be consistent with discipline but gentle. 

The bully becomes special by abusing power.

While some may be frightened by a bully, others may think this behavior is funny. At home and school the bully stops all teamwork, learning and positive interaction. The bully enjoys attention he or she gets from peers and adults, even if that attention is negative.

Even though a bully knows abusive relationships are wrong, he or she needs to escape the pain of failure in relationships, insecurity or a poor self-concept.

Bully behavior could show a lack of coping skills and fear of failure in relating to others.

Bully behavior makes a person feel independent and in control of life.

Parents, do not assume your bully is tough or an extrovert for being loud and pushy.

Your bully may be in the 25% of Americans who are introverts, made uncomfortable in social situations or by our cultural hyperactivity. 

Is your bully pushed by you into awkward, failing situations?  Are you expecting your child to be your clone, forcing her into situations she cannot possibly enjoy?  When did the bully behavior begin?

Explain, if your bully is school age, that bully threats have consequences. When any threat is made, require the child to stop and think in a “cooling off time” first.

Make it clear that if bully chooses to fight after cooling off, fighting is then “premeditated,” and will carry a harsher penalty.

Dissolving the Bully

Since bullies accept bigger responsibility well, give him or her an impressive job that builds higher status into their self-concept. At home it will be something that only adults have done up until now.

Do be gentle but consistent. Use only as much power as necessary. Your best tool is loving time spent one-on-one until your child moves out of this phase.

Also, suggest that your bully say, “My parents won’t let me fight” at school or home. That will let bully back out gracefully from useless confrontations.

If the confrontations have been with a teacher, help your child identify the triggers for these fights and quietly identify your child’s own unrecognized character flaws. 

Always carry through. Never let a rebel win.  Be consistent with discipline but gentle. 

If you have trouble with this, get counsel.

Praise every step in the right direction. Love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Make your own transparency and vulnerability clear as a pattern for your bully to follow. It is strong to express your need for help, feelings of stress, and desire for teamwork.

Technorati Tags: hatred,aggression,revenge,criticism,defensiveness,boredom

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I really could not understand Max’s hatred. He hated Reading, Blacks, Native Americans, Jews, and Catholics and a long list of other things. He had poor skills and no patience.  He was only fifteen.

He actually had no interests but hate. None. As a public school teacher, I knew it was a mistake to ignore, reject or force forgiveness on Max. I chose to accept him as he was. He had no friends, after all. Other students ignored him.

This is beyond negative. Perhaps your child has shown aggressive, anti-rule behavior.

Her revenge, grudges and criticism have given her power over others.

She seems unapproachable. While she has some sympathetic followers, she creates constant tension. She is unsuccessful and defensive in ways that hinder growth. Your son may do all of the above in a defensive, loner way.

Perhaps you worry about your child’s continuous and total lack of interest in activities. Your child cannot work well with others, and your usual discipline techniques are not effective.

You are angry, on edge and on guard, but must act in love if you want results.

Professional counseling is part of your plan. Stress Free Discipline is another part. Used consistently, Stress Free Discipline provides the acceptance, pain relief, trust and status these youth need.

Hate is distilled pain. A small hurt can become a wildfire of hate.

Never ignore it, react personally, judge or trivialize your child’s problem. Never discuss him with other children or think you know how he or she feels. Consider how God treats our bad temper, greed, power grabs, and pride.

Counseling is unavoidable.  Choose wisely.  What you have been doing until now needs an upgrade.  It has not been working.

A good counselor will take one or two hours to test all family members for anger management styles, personality differences, communication styles and problem solving techniques.

With those tools you and your family can work through the tough times.  Stop your entertainments and time wasters and focus on healing work.

Memorize the tools.  Learn to use them. Get help when times are tough.  Sacrifice time and effort for teamwork and lifelong love relationships.  You do not have forever.  Every day that passes makes healing more difficult.

Technorati Tags: stress,consistent discipline,colds,sharing,leadership

When I was Drew’s age, I thought that if I gave my cold to someone else I would not have it anymore.

Now I make sure my grandchildren understand they’ll both be miserable if they share a cold.

 The passage of stress is much like sharing a cold. 

I can accept Drew’s stress that he is not getting what he wants when he wants it. I will feel miserable and he gets spoiled. I can make exceptions to the rules. I can slide around rules the easy way, being inconsistent. I become a bad parent, or in my case, grandparent. Good parenting is too much work!

If your children are constantly testing you, they have been conditioned to obey you only when you are stressed: (1) standing over them, (2) constantly repeating directions and giving them all of your attention, perhaps (3) screaming at them or hitting them.

Only then, they notice, do you really mean it.

When you aren’t looking, they are doing as they please. As they grow, you age. When you want shared goals, they’re “doing their own thing.” Your family is fragmented. You’re a nag. They’re escaping responsibility, piling it on you, or getting even for your on-again, off-again discipline in underhanded ways.

When you accept your child’s stress, you’re burdened and angry.

It’s no favor to them to let them have their way, but you’re too weary (from the stress you have chosen) to do what is right. Poor discipline is too much work!

Make that child obey!  Discipline is not punishment most of the time but it is consistent consequences.

Ask yourself: Does my child put stress on me to give him or her what she wants? Have I trained her to be bad by changing the rules?  Is this good in the long run? Is this like a cold: we’ll both be miserable?  Whose problem is this? 

“Meaning it” is stressing the child enough so that he or she chooses to obey rules over getting his/her own way.  If you are consistent, poor behavior will self-destruct in a couple of weeks.

  

Technorati Tags: jail,ministry,rules,consequences,money management,boundaries.

When my sons were pre-teens we had a small jail visitation ministry and they saw first-hand the consequences of writing a lot of bad checks. This experience was very motivational for them, and part of training in conscientiousness (a key element, according to research, in long and healthy life).

Consider involving children early in the process of helping you write checks and balance the checkbook. A second grader can help you add and subtract. Grocery shopping is a time you can give cash for your child to pick his or her favorite fruit and vegetables.  As soon as computer skills become important to your child, have them watch you with QuickBooks, then watch them as they help you enter expenses, sorting out tax items as you go.

A three or four year-old can learn how you choose what you buy at the market.  Soft fruit, green fruit–teaching the gentle squeeze helps with defining what is O.K. for pet handling as well as fruit choices. Unit pricing on the shelf tags can be a learning experience for older children.  As soon as children can understand what money is, they can use a dollar to find a toy at the 99-cent store.

 

The idea is to help them understand real world limits and luxuries.  Real Consequences are essential.  You don’t have the grow your own food, but you do have to afford it.

When one of my sons was five years old, he scratched his name all over the outside wooden paneling of the preschool building. I explained to him that since I could not pay a painter and had the skills, my consequence was to refinish that wall.

His consequence was to pay a fine: his weekly “donut money” (routinely given by a sweet church senior). He paid in person to the principal for three weeks.

While the principal said it wasn’t necessary, it did teach a well-remembered lesson. When he was six and bowed in a plate glass window by leaning on it, all I had to say was “WOW!  Look at that window bend. If it breaks, that is A LOT of donut money.” He jumped away from the window like it was a hot griddle.

Children can remind you to set aside savings.  Play “You be the parent and I’ll be the child” to test learning. Teens can help you to prioritize your spending.

You model and teach them important concepts. What is important long term that needs to be saved for?  What sacrifices now will make a big difference later?  They master the concepts through practice.  They minister the concepts through service to you.  Remember that learning needs reinforcement to become mastery.  Sacrifice is part of love.

Money management concepts are crammed into one or two classroom hours of Senior Economics class in public schools.  Sacrifice and love are not taught there.  An economic survey course is useless when students need many hours of practice and discussion. Most of them won’t absorb enough financial vocabulary and basic ideas at school to prepare them for success in life.  You are responsible for teaching money management.

Buy Ron and Judy Blue and Jeremy White’s new book: Your Kids Can Master Their Money by Tyndale House Publishers.

My book just touches the surface of what can be done to give children financial skills.

Be aware also that many states impose severe consequences on parents for their child’s misbehavior.

For example, your state may fine or jail you for letting your child participate in theft or gangs. Clearly you want to establish the kinds of bonds with your child which will prevent their need for re-parenting by gangs.

In many states you can be evicted from public housing if your child is using or selling drugs. Laws constantly change, so it is good to educate yourself on juvenile law.

Prevention of criminal behavior depends on showing your child the consequences of not following the rules. Rule-following behavior is something you teach early in life.  Your three year old needs consequences every time he or she disobeys a rule.  Rules need to be simple and posted in print. 

I recommend a family trip to the courthouse, jail or D.A.’s office. It is very educational for all of you. Interview the D.A.  Ask about common errors teens make that get them in trouble with the law.  Your children will never forget a real lesson.

Check out the American Bar Association’s Division for Public Education (www.abanet.org).

Crime prevention is all about consistent consequences. One way to teach consequences is to have a mini-jail ministry.

Part of good parenting involves teaching what to do. Another part is teaching what not to do. It is up to you.

 

 

 

Building respect and creating credibility with rebellious youth is simple but not easy.

Building bonds between you and your rebellious or strong willed child may take years of work on your part before you see fruit.

When I first began teaching on the Navajo Reservation, I worked with sophomores who had been expelled from schools all over the 25,000 square mile reservation. A select group!

One of them, a gang leader, said to me, “It’s OK to kill a Bilagaana (Anglo).  We just don’t hurt our own.”

I’ll call him James. The school administrators had asked teachers to mentor the students, since all of them needed re-parenting in order to turn their lives in a positive direction.

I was looking for a way to show Christ to Native Americans steeped in Medicine Man and Peyote religion.  Talk means little when a soul is in pain.

During three years at the school, James saw me take him on a 400 mile trip to pick up a car given to him by his mother—whose whereabouts had been unknown to him for years. When we entered Albuquerque gang territory he suggested that I ought to be afraid, but could not understand why I was not.  “Protection now is God’s job,” I said.  “I do my best, He does the rest.” 

I waited for the teens to ask questions, and the questions always came when my behavior did not fit their assumptions.  

I commuted to school with him after his cousin killed six relatives driving drunk.

James was following that car and held dying babies, aunts, and his uncle in his arms while the Anglo ambulance delayed a short trip by two hours.  Two Anglo truck drivers stopped but made no effort to help or comfort.  Others watched the victims die without leaving or helping. 

I created a way for James to detox his trauma by doing an independent study project (for credit) with him. We talked for 30 miles each way.

James saw me drive six students to the funeral of a loved victim of “Russian Roulette.”  I was the only Anglo teacher who took unpaid leave to attend.

I stopped a fight at the risk of getting punched out myself.

I was the only teacher there:  the sensible thing would have been to go for reinforcements.  Twenty teens had already gathered for the show.  This really confused James.  I felt bold because I had prayed for protection that morning.  It was not a daily habit, but an impulse.

“Why did you do that?” he said.  “It was across the street from the school.  You didn’t have to stop it.” 

“Because I didn’t want anyone to get hurt,” I said, “I’m responsible for students during the school day whether or not they’re on the school grounds.”

Again he said, “Why did you do that?”

My behavior did not compute.

After I had a reputation for being an Anglo favored by their “South Side Brown Pride” gang, I took a girl from a rival gang to live with me for two weeks.  She and her parents needed housing for her while she waited for a dorm vacancy.  I was taking James home, with his sawed off shotgun in his school bag, on the same trip.  “Why did you do that?” 

Selflessness confuses people.

James saw me take his girlfriend to the hospital emergency room and stay there until midnight when I learned she had a headache for three days.  I told them she needed instant attention since it could be an aneurysm.  I was very close to tears.  James and two other gang members saw compassion and boldness when it made no sense to them.  After all he had seen me do, James told me that the only Anglos whom he could trust were Christians.

I did it because I was focused on living the Bible, not just denying the problems or talking about them.  How does this apply to raising your child?

Too many parents are in denial about their discipline effectiveness.  Then they wonder why they get no respect.

If you say one thing and do another, your credibility is zero.  Give instructions face to face, eye to eye, and do it once only before you take action.  A forgetful child may self-distract, in which case you need to ask him or her to repeat your instructions as soon as you say them.  Then make sure the consequences you impose are understood and related to the "crime" in severity. 

Say something like, "If you hit your brother, you will sit in the corner for three minutes.  Do you understand?"  Remember that the consequences must be unpleasant enough to guarantee obedience.  Also, consequences must be imposed EVERY TIME your child hits his or her brother, from now on, whether Grandma or another caregiver is watching or it is you there. 

If the rule is disobeyed again, increase the time out until your child chooses to obey you.  Wear a stop watch so you can set a count-down timer for the time needed.  Stress Free Discipline has other ideas for the use of a stop watch.

When a small child leaves the corner before you give permission, a judicious spanking is needed to guarantee obedience to the time out.  This is not abuse unless it is done when you are uncontrolled in your anger.

When you tell your tot or teen something, take a deep breath or two before you say something you cannot back up with action.  Think through your consequences ahead of time.

Too many warnings and not enough tickets creates disrespect for the rule of law.  Too much talk and not enough action creates disrespect for your rules.

After three years of confusion for James, he and his pregnant girlfriend walked the isle of the local Native Baptist Church to accept Christ.  Your purposeful living and consistent discipline will produce God’s fruit when it’s done for the Lord. 

Technorati Tags: greed,competition,power struggles,distraction,complications

Have you ever noticed how you get overwhelmed and poor when you are not paying attention? Part of stress free discipline is simplifying and focusing your life.

I’m angry at myself for spending $3,000 on storage for family photos, old papers, projects I’ll never do, and stuff belonging to other people.  Why accept stress from unfinished business?

It reminds me of the greedy child who sucks out more and more privileges when you are tired or distracted. Maybe those distractions are your media time. Maybe you do not feel like paying attention. Maybe you’re not getting enough rest.

At some point you realize that your distractions have complicated your life by locking you into expensive storage while ignoring current business.

You cannot find money for what you would rather do because it is tied up in storage. You cannot deal with today because you are busy dusting off or paying off yesterday.  In personal terms, you’re constantly pushed past your patience into an unhappy relationship with your greedy child.

When you are distracted, you give your child the nod, and he or she gains power over your time.  You give in to make the problem go away but it becomes a monster instead.

You realize that you do not like yourself or your child. Arguments, nasty competition and power grabs have become routine. Other children are hurt by the greedy taking behavior of the Prince or Princess. It’s all unfair.

Pushy behavior gets extra privileges for a greedy child. He or she wins, and even assumes that greed, power and status make him or her attractive!

First, find out if teachers and others are having the same problems you are.

If the pushy Prince needs it, do a conference with your child and affected adults. Put all responsibility for immature behavior on your child.

Explain that the secret of maturity is not grabbing things, getting older, or being experienced. The secret is growing out of the grabbing phase into the giving habit.

Your pushy Princess must stop demanding special menus rather than what everyone else is eating. Beginning at age three, if you give in,she will build her “success” with you into a lifetime of eating disorders.

Nobody can afford the consequences of letting greed go or be justified.

God’s word says “Even a child is judged by his works.” (Proverbs 20:11)

You are the judge. Do not think God will let you escape your duty. This is not a time for modeling non-judgmental behavior.

Here’s your challenge

Remember the difference between discernment and judgment (or critical thinking.) Critical thinking is the highest order of thinking skill.  It is essential for your own well being.  You need to teach it to your child and to yourself, if need be. 

You are responsible. Remember Eli (I Samuel 2:22-25ff).  He was punished by God for not disciplining his sons. 

God holds you accountable for your child’s bad behavior just as the law does.

You can still be kind, speaking the truth in love.

Begin by defining and exploring what greed is. 

Greed is a type of attitude or behavior which demands special privileges for one person at the expense of others, grasping things that others need or own…etc.

Once you have a definition everyone understands, apply it to simple situations which make the meaning of the term very clear.  A greedy person buys a dozen donuts and eats them all himself.  A greedy woman may control others by dominating their time with demands, complaints, and manipulation.  A greedy child will not share with others even when she has had a toy to herself for a reasonable time.

Then ask your child to define the opposite of greed.  Find examples, then reward any small unselfish action in your child.

You could do something as simple as give three cheers for good manners. “Hip, hip, HOORAY! Hip, hip, HOORAY!  Hip, hip, HOORAY!”  Recognition, clapping and enthusiasm go a long way toward inspiring a child.

 Stress Free Discipline rewards every good choice and gives grace on top of that. It also recognizes achievement, services, manners, and family friendly thinking. If your Prince is doing better at school,  Stress Free Discipline provides a format for following through on and rewarding those good choices.

Do be firm, consistent, and strong. Every poor choice must have consequences.

Remember, it is gentle abrasion that breaks a cliff into a pebble. Your child can wear you down by endless small demands if you are not strong, firm, and consistent.  Everyone will be stressed by your weakness.

–By the way, how is your relationship with God? Have distractions abraded your love down to a small memory? Where do you fit in the Parent-Child greed picture?

Is your love affair with God in expensive storage?  Pay attention.

Technorati Tags: parenting,family,christian parenting,fred jones,tools for teaching,teaching,body language,leadership

Body language tells your child whether you mean what you have said or not.

A smile during discipline says you do not mean what you are saying: it is a signal among primates that they are submitting to the dominant primate!

A smile when you’re giving a command says you are begging or submitting to the child. 

Open handed, apologetic body language will not get you the results you need.

You may only think you are delivering discipline.

The worst “discipline” is nagging and posturing without doing anything.

Your children must know from your body language that you have all day to enforce the rules. You must be calm, be close, and take time in the beginning. Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. This is the “meaning it” stance which causes bad behavior (and time spent in discipline) to disappear over time.[1]

When the words and the gestures do not agree, the child will read your gestures. If your child does as he or she wants, he has decided from your body language that you either don’t mean it or you won’t make the consequences at all tough.

Remember how you couldn’t get away with breaking rules in Miss Mean’s third grade class?

Realize that “nice” does not “mean it” when maturity is being required of your child.

When you give specific directions, you should not have to repeat them, explain them or negotiate them. If your teen is used to getting her way by manipulating you, this will become a battle of wills. Ignore whatever the child says to get your goat.

This takes practice.

For those of us who were raised to “be nice,” confrontation like this is extremely difficult. Growth into maturity is never comfortable. It does not come naturally to your child. You make it happen by skillful parenting.

Let’s face it: your children have raised you from their childhood. They know what buttons to push in order to get their way with you.

The charmer and the negotiator are no less disobedient than the child who strides forth to take control.

However, in Tools for Teaching. Dr. Jones puts it best: “Any time you want to increase your power,

1. Shut up,
2. slow down,
3. relax,
4. get close, and
5. kill time.” [2]

Here’s your challenge

Practice steps 1-5. Stay silent. Slow down with deep breathing. Relax your shoulders and stomach. Get within three feet of your child. Move slowly closer if the bad behavior continues after you are close. Get eye to eye and stay there while your child squirms and tries to make you go away.

Role play this proactive—non-reactive—stance with a friend or in front of a video camera or mirror. Also try having a friend videotape you with your child so you can read your own body language.

This is phase one of discipline. What you do when you get close can make or break your discipline.

Never, never, never let a rebel win.

Never retreat until your child takes action to obey. Keep your actions slow. Back up two steps and watch some more to be sure the child’s action is what you want.  Then slowly move away.  You have all day to enforce the rules.

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[1] See Tools for teaching by Dr. Fredric H. Jones, Ph.D with Patrick Jones and JoLynne Jones, Section 6.[2] Fredric H. Jones, Chapaters 15, 16, Tools for teaching.

Do you have a child who demands all of your attention, defying you and picking on other siblings? This child usually asks unnecessary questions, trying as well to gain attention by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. He or she is usually loud and disorganized, often late getting things done at school and at home. Everyone else tends to put this child down and avoid him/her. You are angry. Brothers or sisters are angry. Your focus is often broken.

This child does everything imaginable to let you know that he (any pronoun includes both sexes) exists. He is trying to prove himself, perhaps in an effort to “belong.” He may have a basic need to learn better social or academic skills!

Stress Free Discipline allows you to reward the attention-getter with skill-building activities with you. He receives double attention: points and praise at the time of his performance, and rewards time in educational activities later.

It’s a mistake to exclude this obnoxious one or assume she doesn’t have the skills to do the job. Listen carefully to what she is saying.

Don’t try to figure out what kinds of situations cause her to misbehave or think you can generalize and understand her thinking. Do not try to keep her from getting any attention! We want plenty of positive attention.

Her message is very important. She needs success in something.

• Give her an important role of responsibility or leadership.
• Take time for listening to find out what she really feels. BE CONSISTENT, KIND, POLITE AND FIRM.
• Keep that chart and those points going without fail.
• Monitor your body language.
• Make a special effort to recognize all your children individually with one on one time daily.

Just before bedtime, when they’re relaxed from their warm bath, talk a few minutes quietly about what made the day positive. Never make your child feel anxious, or the behavior will become worse.