Socializing the Bully, Part 1
A bad mouth and a bad temper with pushy behavior are marks of a bully. He or she rules a corner of the world by constant “put downs” or taking advantage of others.
Confrontations are constant when the rights of others are squashed and they fight back. Teachers may feel angry or fearful. Learning stops.
The bully may be a loner or a gang leader, since he or she looks for trouble and responds to all interactions by fighting, criticism or arguments. Gang leaders need re-parenting! Counseling is essential if your small bully has not been rightly influenced before he becomes a large bully!
The bully rules by intimidating others but sometimes protects weak friends from other bullies. This gives him positive attention for being a good guy. Look for ways to reward the bully for different positive behavior. Athletics are a good outlet.
Any right activity needs praise.
At school, the bully often has learning problems caused by emotional distress. At home, siblings become emotional and easily upset. The bully leaves a whirlwind of pain behind his or her own pain.
There are common errors people use to manage a bully which may become part of the problem, not the solution.
1. Never attack the person: only the behavior. Every person is God’s creation, and He does not make junk. Blame may become part of a bully’s self image and be acted out if you say things like, “You’re just no good. You’re going to be a jail bird someday.”
2. Never react personally, make threats, or publicly put down the bully. A bully wants attention, positive or negative. A bully does not worry about being disliked if he or she gets attention for it.
3. Do not exclude the bully or overlook his or her good points. Praise is necessary to inspire and build a changed character.
4. Do not assume your bully will not change in the future. Try to see things you can respect and care about and trust instead. This type of child will be very loyal if you do this.
5. Do not try to bribe a bully.
6. Make sure you do not bully a child into changing. Make sure to respect everyone the same while making it clear that bullying behavior can’t be tolerated..
7. Do not protect others, but never protect the bully. Others may gang up on him or her.
8. Do not punish the bully alone, since it takes two to fight. Another child’s wisecracks or taunting have to be addressed as verbal aggression.
What can you do?
Discuss the problem with your child and his or her teachers. Let everyone know that the poor behavior will not be tolerated. Then praise every good act, saying how “strong” it is (to share, to be truthful, etc.).
Address learning problems. Make certain that your bully has a source of pride for real personal achievement and growth. He or she may do poorly in Reading or Math and need a tutor.
Praise real progress. Perhaps your child is gifted with mechanical ability or other talent which needs to be recognized and shared with you. Make time for this if you have to resign from something. You will not feel like praising if you’re still suffering from an adrenalin blitz, but do it. Slow down your life.
Make academic failure safe, in the sense that it will happen and is not the time to leap down your child’s throat if steps are being taken in the right direction. Remember your New Year’s Resolutions! Whatever happened to those?
Do things as a family which give your bully a specific, successful role and clear responsibility. Will your bully help your family clean an disabled person’s home on the weekend?
Make it O.K. for your bully to be vulnerable or open in the midst of failure by being open about your own insecurities. We do not often share our own failures and frailties, but we should. Our openness gives our children hope that change is possible.
Let your child help decide any consequences if he or she fails to live up to right standards. Define terms this way: Bullying is a type of behavior with the following characteristics: _____ (you work out this definition with your child and teachers).
Stress Free Discipline has other ideas which will help you build teamwork and respect, as well as life skills mastery. Additional ideas are in Socializing the Bully, Part 2.
