Shiprock Stories: Building Respect and Creating Credibility with Rebellious Youth
Building respect and creating credibility with rebellious youth is simple but not easy.
Building bonds between you and your rebellious or strong willed child may take years of work on your part before you see fruit.
When I first began teaching on the Navajo Reservation, I worked with sophomores who had been expelled from schools all over the 25,000 square mile reservation. A select group!
One of them, a gang leader, said to me, “It’s OK to kill a Bilagaana (Anglo). We just don’t hurt our own.”
I’ll call him James. The school administrators had asked teachers to mentor the students, since all of them needed re-parenting in order to turn their lives in a positive direction.
I was looking for a way to show Christ to Native Americans steeped in Medicine Man and Peyote religion. Talk means little when a soul is in pain.
During three years at the school, James saw me take him on a 400 mile trip to pick up a car given to him by his mother—whose whereabouts had been unknown to him for years. When we entered Albuquerque gang territory he suggested that I ought to be afraid, but could not understand why I was not. “Protection now is God’s job,” I said. “I do my best, He does the rest.”
I waited for the teens to ask questions, and the questions always came when my behavior did not fit their assumptions.
I commuted to school with him after his cousin killed six relatives driving drunk.
James was following that car and held dying babies, aunts, and his uncle in his arms while the Anglo ambulance delayed a short trip by two hours. Two Anglo truck drivers stopped but made no effort to help or comfort. Others watched the victims die without leaving or helping.
I created a way for James to detox his trauma by doing an independent study project (for credit) with him. We talked for 30 miles each way.
James saw me drive six students to the funeral of a loved victim of “Russian Roulette.” I was the only Anglo teacher who took unpaid leave to attend.
I stopped a fight at the risk of getting punched out myself.
I was the only teacher there: the sensible thing would have been to go for reinforcements. Twenty teens had already gathered for the show. This really confused James. I felt bold because I had prayed for protection that morning. It was not a daily habit, but an impulse.
“Why did you do that?” he said. “It was across the street from the school. You didn’t have to stop it.”
“Because I didn’t want anyone to get hurt,” I said, “I’m responsible for students during the school day whether or not they’re on the school grounds.”
Again he said, “Why did you do that?”
My behavior did not compute.
After I had a reputation for being an Anglo favored by their “South Side Brown Pride” gang, I took a girl from a rival gang to live with me for two weeks. She and her parents needed housing for her while she waited for a dorm vacancy. I was taking James home, with his sawed off shotgun in his school bag, on the same trip. “Why did you do that?”
Selflessness confuses people.
James saw me take his girlfriend to the hospital emergency room and stay there until midnight when I learned she had a headache for three days. I told them she needed instant attention since it could be an aneurysm. I was very close to tears. James and two other gang members saw compassion and boldness when it made no sense to them. After all he had seen me do, James told me that the only Anglos whom he could trust were Christians.
I did it because I was focused on living the Bible, not just denying the problems or talking about them. How does this apply to raising your child?
Too many parents are in denial about their discipline effectiveness. Then they wonder why they get no respect.
If you say one thing and do another, your credibility is zero. Give instructions face to face, eye to eye, and do it once only before you take action. A forgetful child may self-distract, in which case you need to ask him or her to repeat your instructions as soon as you say them. Then make sure the consequences you impose are understood and related to the "crime" in severity.
Say something like, "If you hit your brother, you will sit in the corner for three minutes. Do you understand?" Remember that the consequences must be unpleasant enough to guarantee obedience. Also, consequences must be imposed EVERY TIME your child hits his or her brother, from now on, whether Grandma or another caregiver is watching or it is you there.
If the rule is disobeyed again, increase the time out until your child chooses to obey you. Wear a stop watch so you can set a count-down timer for the time needed. Stress Free Discipline has other ideas for the use of a stop watch.
When a small child leaves the corner before you give permission, a judicious spanking is needed to guarantee obedience to the time out. This is not abuse unless it is done when you are uncontrolled in your anger.
When you tell your tot or teen something, take a deep breath or two before you say something you cannot back up with action. Think through your consequences ahead of time.
Too many warnings and not enough tickets creates disrespect for the rule of law. Too much talk and not enough action creates disrespect for your rules.
After three years of confusion for James, he and his pregnant girlfriend walked the isle of the local Native Baptist Church to accept Christ. Your purposeful living and consistent discipline will produce God’s fruit when it’s done for the Lord.
