Shiprock Stories: Comfortable Failure
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I really wanted my continuation high school students off the streets involved in legal, healthy activities. However, there were no activity programs or gym available for teens in Shiprock, New Mexico in the early 90’s.
The Activity plan That worked
Every Friday I took them from Shiprock to a gym in Farmington for free workouts courtesy of the owner. He was an ex-alcoholic who gave them free training along with a real world talk about addictions. It gave credibility to the talk to have him say it. As a parent or teacher, we can be too verbal to be useful. Our children tune us out when they would listen to someone else say the same thing.
We used the school van with Drug-free Schools funding for gas. Most of the regulars were gang members, but one was a thin youth perpetually high on something.
It seemed as if the Natives treated insanity kindly, as perhaps that person was somehow spiritually adept.
I’ll call him Frank. His inane laugh caused me to think of him as Silly Frank. He was a comfortable failure. Other students cheated for him, led him around and covered for him on his off days. He rarely showed up to class; he produced nothing when he came. He failed in a school designed for failures to find success.
To my surprise Silly Frank became a regular at workouts. He made friends with others who did not attend the school while everyone worked out. He went to the gym other times besides Friday. Eventually he left school, but continued going to the gym.
The last I heard, he was the one student who went clean and dry because of the program. He was motivated to gain control over a long-standing addiction.
Apply this to your child
Let’s explore the failure dynamic in your child. Is your child a comfortable failure who finds meaning in negative power? Failure is frustrating, but it may be the only power she thinks she has. Is she so far behind that she can’t catch up? Does every day mire him deeper in ignorance? Does your child have limited ability? You can predict a fat file in the principal’s office, more work for teachers, and a dampening effect on other children.
Your child and Silly Frank both fight very low self-esteem which creates a downward, negative spiral.
Is there guidance the school or doctor can provide you about your child?
There may be physical causes: poor sleep, no breakfast, poor nutrition, thirst or subclinical illness.
A Harvard sleep study found that children need nine hours of sleep even into their teens.
It is a mistake to give up, live in denial, react emotionally or label your child a failure. Keep close relations with teachers. They must provide adaptive support and you must work together to provide that.
God does not create junk. Real failure is not trying.
Here’s your challenge
Your challenge is to find interests and activities which allow your child to experience success, however small, and to create a feeling of group status. Children reject drugs and other abuses when they are close to understanding parents. Praise real progress: every tiny step.
Comfortable failure is not part of God’s plan for your family. If Silly Frank can beat the bad trip, you can too.
About the system
Stress Free Discipline is a system designed to create high realistic self-esteem and status in the family. Family wellness dislodges bad habits, replacing failure (yours and your child’s) with success day by day. One of the best parts of this system is the fact that every small success is rewarded. Self control and good character are built one small success at a time.
January 11th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
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