Stress Free Discipline

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Body language tells your child whether you mean what you have said or not.

A smile during discipline says you do not mean what you are saying: it is a signal among primates that they are submitting to the dominant primate!

A smile when you’re giving a command says you are begging or submitting to the child. 

Open handed, apologetic body language will not get you the results you need.

You may only think you are delivering discipline.

The worst “discipline” is nagging and posturing without doing anything.

Your children must know from your body language that you have all day to enforce the rules. You must be calm, be close, and take time in the beginning. Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. This is the “meaning it” stance which causes bad behavior (and time spent in discipline) to disappear over time.[1]

When the words and the gestures do not agree, the child will read your gestures. If your child does as he or she wants, he has decided from your body language that you either don’t mean it or you won’t make the consequences at all tough.

Remember how you couldn’t get away with breaking rules in Miss Mean’s third grade class?

Realize that “nice” does not “mean it” when maturity is being required of your child.

When you give specific directions, you should not have to repeat them, explain them or negotiate them. If your teen is used to getting her way by manipulating you, this will become a battle of wills. Ignore whatever the child says to get your goat.

This takes practice.

For those of us who were raised to “be nice,” confrontation like this is extremely difficult. Growth into maturity is never comfortable. It does not come naturally to your child. You make it happen by skillful parenting.

Let’s face it: your children have raised you from their childhood. They know what buttons to push in order to get their way with you.

The charmer and the negotiator are no less disobedient than the child who strides forth to take control.

However, in Tools for Teaching. Dr. Jones puts it best: “Any time you want to increase your power,

1. Shut up,
2. slow down,
3. relax,
4. get close, and
5. kill time.” [2]

Here’s your challenge

Practice steps 1-5. Stay silent. Slow down with deep breathing. Relax your shoulders and stomach. Get within three feet of your child. Move slowly closer if the bad behavior continues after you are close. Get eye to eye and stay there while your child squirms and tries to make you go away.

Role play this proactive—non-reactive—stance with a friend or in front of a video camera or mirror. Also try having a friend videotape you with your child so you can read your own body language.

This is phase one of discipline. What you do when you get close can make or break your discipline.

Never, never, never let a rebel win.

Never retreat until your child takes action to obey. Keep your actions slow. Back up two steps and watch some more to be sure the child’s action is what you want.  Then slowly move away.  You have all day to enforce the rules.

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[1] See Tools for teaching by Dr. Fredric H. Jones, Ph.D with Patrick Jones and JoLynne Jones, Section 6.[2] Fredric H. Jones, Chapaters 15, 16, Tools for teaching.

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