Stress-Free Discipline

Is your child really the most important person after God and your spouse? How do your priorities line up? If streaming and social media consume four or more hours of your time each day, how are your children going to learn effective life skills?

Effective life skills are those things everyone has to do–to be an effective adult–or pay someone else to do them. The teaching job required for this list of chores takes time and plenty of work.  It is ongoing, frustrating, lasts a lifetime and is worth every minute of your self-sacrifice.

If your child can do those adult chores fast and well, he or she will be happy, according to “happiness research.” How many of the following adult chores are you planning to teach your child…or how many of them have you mastered? Here’s a list of adult responsibilities which—if you are skillful—will make you a happy adult.  Unplug from the TV and plug into life.

Parent’s Duty and Skill List (Frame this and hang it in plain sight.  Review it often with your child when you assign chores to yourself and children.)

Yard and Home Repairs:

Manage workers or repair and maintain yard and home yourself. Paint, build, plan, budget for and buy materials for projects such as roofing, bookshelves, storage areas.

Bookkeeping:

pay bills, keep records of spending, balance bank statements, track credit spending and loan repayments. Plan and carry out insurance and financial strategy.

Secretarial:

do time planning and errands, phone calls, correspondence, special occasion gifts and cards, schedule appoints, games, classes, and special events. Chauffeur people to these events.

Files:

set up and maintain files on all aspects of the household, including financial, warranty, and physical plant information. Keep records on repairs done and specifics of new equipment installed.

Protection:

Research, provide for, and maintain the following: inventory of possessions, furniture and valuable paintings. Create and maintain safety rules, fire escape drills, tracking of children away from home, etc.

Food Services:

plan menus, purchase food, prepare meals, serve them and clean up after them. Take into account: nutritional balance, personal preferences, special dietary needs, variety of texture, color and type of food, degree of “cooking,” freshness and freedom from unnecessary additives. Food storage rotation and freezer “quickies” for Sunday use must be planned and maintained. Ambiance, service, food preparation and purchase for parties are additional.

Purchasing:

Buy toiletries, paper products, small appliances, gifts, clothing, etc. on budget. Wrap and mail gifts as needed.

Laundry:

Wash, fold, and iron clothing, bedding and towels, schedule and record items sent out for dry cleaning and laundry, get items from cleaners.

Fabric maintenance:

Mend and perform tailoring on clothing, backpacks, and other fabrics.

Physical plant maintenance:

General Handyman tasks, basic plumbing, wiring, carpentry, and other household upkeep.

Daily cleaning:

General pick-up, make beds; straighten, fold, and put away items, organize magazines, books and newspapers, freshen bathrooms, straighten towels and clean bathroom sink.

Trash Disposal:

Empty kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and office trash as needed, recycle coat hangers, plastics, glass and newspapers, prepare trash for weekly pickup.

Weekly cleaning:

Change bed and bath linens weekly, clean shower area, hot tub and shower as needed, wash floors, vacuum and dust.

Periodic Maintenance:

Clean windows including skylights and screens at least twice yearly, clean carpets and upholstery, oil furniture with four coats oil inside and out 2-3 times per year. Remove books from shelves and vacuum books and shelves. Clean gutters and attic or basement areas.

Houseplant maintenance:

Purchase, re-pot, water, trim and feed houseplants.

Gardening:

Water as needed, use weed killer and spray for insects and diseases. Wash or hose off porches and outdoor furniture.

Small Appliance and computer Repairs:

Schedule and carry out computer virus protection, vacuum and other routine cleaning and repair to prevent problems before they happen. Record repairs done and by whom.

Organization:

clean out and organize closets, cupboards, drawers and basement and furnace room. Discard out-of-date items, such as spices over six months old or outdated medications.

Automobile repair and maintenance:

track oil changes, radiator and belts and regular tune up needs, gas and wash car as needed.

Pet care:

daily brushing, walking, vacation planning and vet visits, shots, licensing and shampoos.

Child care:

1. Raise children in the discipline and nurture of the Lord,
2. Supervise and instruct them on reasonable chores, safety, expectations and family goals
3. Teach manners, citizenship, respect for authority and education,
4. Attend school and church events, track homework and project due dates, help with schoolwork, provide quality control of schoolwork and handwriting,
5. Teach and monitor spelling, History, Math, English, Science, etc.
6. Teach and practice problem solving skills, negotiation skills, conflict resolution, communication skills, hobbies and anger management skills.
7. Teach and practice adult skills such as budgeting, spend/save/tithe principles, making decisions, analysis, creativity, synthesis, time management, priority and goal setting, application of right principles, proactivity rather than crisis management, follow-through on duties, life-long learning habits and interdependence.

Does your youth have these adult skills mastered so they can be done fast and well? If not, he or she remains in a submissive, student’s role until time to establish his/her own household.

Do you have an optimal family life?  My husband and I have foster-parented our 9 year-old granddaughter for eight months, learning a lot about all of us in the process.  Now her mother has joined us while she builds a new life for them both.

The school has informed us that–while our granddaughter is in the gifted and talented program with test scores above average–she lacks personal knowledge of real-world facts.  She is immersed–given the chance–in streaming media four to six hours daily.  So are her mother and grandfather.  She is addicted to fiction:  grandpa favors the news and military history.  Dinner is fragmented by different time schedules or is eaten in silence in front of the TV.

All of us are engaged in solitary independent play.  Our granddaughter has substituted media for learned facts and social interactions, placing herself at a disadvantage in the real world.  Grandpa learned his social skills on schedule but does not exercise them when he is focused on the news at dinnertime.  All of us are engaged in solitary independent play.

Solitary independent play is what happens with toddlers in a sandbox.  They do “their own thing” without communication, commitment, cooperation or planning.  They continue in that mode until they are taught and required to behave differently.

Is this your family?  How will your child learn essential life skills when the media consumes six hours per day of teaching time?  When will you commit to leadership in teaching essential life skills?  Check out “The Most Important Person in Your Life” post to see what you have missed by your lack of planning.

A young friend just e-mailed me a question about the link between fashion and sexual attractiveness in finding a husband.  Here’s my answer:  I wouldn’t know about the relationship between fashion and romance, but that doesn’t prevent me from having an opinion! It’s your choice, of course.

Personally, I think men are genetically “wired” to respond to a woman’s body (like, not fat and preferably in good shape) as well as other characteristics not related to color of clothing. Energy stemming from good health, for example, is sexy.

Black clothing, however, in one culture will connote one thing (mourning), and the opposite in another culture (joy).  What culture are you aiming for?

Black is the preference of downtown business people and, in general, more conservative people, in my opinion.  If you’re aiming for a conservative (low risk-taking) man, you would do well to wear it, along with modest styling and longer hemline and higher bustline.

Also, a man looking for character in a mate will not have the word “fun” salting his conversation. Questions in that regard may include, “How does your man treat others?  How do his role models, his family, treat each other?”  Again, there are unpredictable elements.  Men engage in “one-up-manship” with each other, a competitive sort of game involving witty insults, whereas women on the whole are oriented more toward cooperative linguistics.  This competitive gaming aspect by itself doesn’t mean your prospective mate is an unkind person or poor risk.

A man who is an entrepreneur or adventurer will be more likely to be “fun” (highly creative) but may become a risk to your own stability (or tiresome) if he continues risk-taking behavior in every area of his life, for the rest of his life, or in every part of his business.  Maturity will change most risk-taking behavior into conservatism, as Winston Churchill observed when he said (paraphrased), “If a person is not a liberal in his youth he has no heart, but if he is not a conservative later on, he has no head.”

Having said that, I am reminded of many great men who began life as failures either in politics (Abraham Lincoln) or in business (Rich DeVos, CEO of Amway corp).  Thus, the long-range view of a committed relationship is unpredictable.  As Solomon said in the Bible, “…time and chance happen to all.” Or, as grandma said, “into every life some rain must fall.”

Suppose you choose a risk-taker over, say, an insurance salesman whose goal in life is CYA to the max, and enjoying a prosperous, but selfish, retirement.  Will this satisfy your need for long-term security AND your need for a creative, refreshing personality or–better–your desire for an altruistic, meaningful challenge?  Our search for meaning needs to include making the world a better place for having trod here.

A consideration in my mind would be whether your man has good morals and a good network of friends who hold him accountable to high standards.  Who would want to marry a debauched prince?  What, then, is a “good life?”

Maybe the best answer to your question about wearing black would be to take a poll of men!  My husband says black connotes mourning to him, and he was attracted to me because I dressed modestly but had color.  People in the eastern U.S. wear more black and neutrals than people on the west coast.  Color to them may mean something entirely different.  I feel that personality is expressed with color more than with excessive black, although color mixed with black is quite expressive. However, I’m 66 years old, and by definition am out of the 30-something crowd. There is a non-answer to your question!

Selfishness is worth another look when I have time, but here’s advice I just posted to my son, who is looking for a mate.

Selfishness is the default answer for all humans.  We don’t have to remain there.  A self-centered relationship or a performance-based relationship will not bring long-term happiness.  A Christ-centered relationship will last the long journey of joyful marriage.

I find that when I am feeling grouchy about–for example–doing (usually house and yard) work when my husband is lounging around watching hours of TV a day,  I need to consider what Christ would have me to do.  I reframe my attitude about doing the work.

Rather than a “poor me, why isn’t he helping on this thing I decided is important now?” attitude with attendant pain, anger, etc, I consider what use Christ is making of the work.  Ideas like, “It’s physically and spiritually therapeutic” come to mind. Also, ideas occur like, “What does Christ think when I have a selfish attitude about my relationship to Him?” …and, “What, exactly am I, a greedy, selfish sinner, entitled to from Him? Does the Master serve the servant? He has reasons I wouldn’t understand if he told them to me.”

Also, in fairness to my husband, if I ask for help he shuts off the entertainment and works with me, and when I flop down exhausted, he takes me out to dinner, etc.  Probably the hardest part about unrealistic expectations is that we recognize them when they’re put on us, but not when we are putting them on others.

What’s easy for me is hard for him, as I explained to our granddaughter when we were foster-parenting her. We do what we do best…further, I need to avoid adding stress on top of what he’s already experiencing in the way of stress. He doesn’t complain, and that lack of complaint makes his stress invisible to me. The adrenals can only take so much before adrenal fatigue sets in for anyone.  We also have to discriminate between essentials and desires that can be put off–maybe forever!

Stress-free Breathing and Parenting Orientation Try this link for my tutorial on uses, needs for, and techniques of proper breathing in the midst of child discipline.  Since it is animated, you’ll want to left-click in order to get some of the text to appear.  I’m trying to create and attach a voice-over, but have failed so far!

Let’s take racism out of the mix in responding to this law.  Since I have two sons who are part Native American, part Black, and half Anglo, I feel qualified to comment on the excess of emotionalism surrounding this issue.

Since I was in grade school, all kinds of new rules were made as soon as someone overstepped the boundaries set by authorities.  Those rules cramped my style, imposed upon my life, and felt oppressive.  I was asked for a hall pass every time I stepped out of the classroom because someone broke the rules about the hall use, smoking in the bathroom, etc.  I didn’t call it profiling.  I called it a fact of life. It was necessary for the maintenance of order in the school.

If I break some sort of driving rules, or even appear to be doing so, I can be sure that I’ll be stopped and asked for my driver’s license.  An officer has the right to put me to a drunk-driver’s test even if my problem is low blood sugar.  I do not call it unfair.  In order for any society to maintain order, some people will experience unfair restrictions on their freedom.  This, too, is a fact of life.

When I was managing an apartment complex for five years, the answer to complaints regarding “discrimination” was to treat everyone the same.  I suggest, then, that Arizona put immigrant status on all driver’s licenses, and ask everyone for their license or state-approved identification card at any time they are stopped.  How easy can it get?

San Diego, CA:  A successful May 23, 2010 book signing for Stress-free Discipline was held at St. James’ Lutheran church,  Imperial Beach.  Course curriculum maps and other information were available there for readers receptive to a free hybrid series of classes on Stress-Free Discipline.  Coursework is pending at St. James and at Trinity Lutheran churches.

Stress-Free Discipline gives you tested, unique, time-saving tools for tots-to-teens discipline!

This step-by-step plan not only reduces stress, it builds life-long love, teamwork, life skills and responsibility.

• Five expectation sets are realistic, gradually building complex skills.
• Children master adult skills almost painlessly.
• They are rewarded for every right choice.
• Negatives are minimized, releasing energy for building and bonding.
• Motivational rewards are simple, fun and educational.
• Parents and children grow accountable in a bond of love.

Endorsements

William C. Reeves, Ph.D. Human Behavior writes: “Stress Free Discipline presents some great ideas that have been successfully used to help children mature.  Setting up positive rewards for good behavior is presented as the best way to help children learn self discipline and appropriate behavior.  Children are also presented with the reality that poor behavior results in unwanted consequences for them.  Behavior is tracked by a point system that allows the child to understand the results of both good and improper actions.”

Charles Jeter, Combat Veteran, Software Engineer writes:  “Stress Free Discipline has valuable strategy and rules of engagement.”

John Demas, attorney writes:  “Stress Free Discipline has worked with my children.  Judith has a gift.”

Gary Kirk, pastor, publisher, counselor writes: “As the father of a son with special needs, I feel your book should be required reading for everyone involved in an IEP—educators and parents alike…From many years of being a small group pastor and counselor, I consistently see the need for parents to find the kind of equipping that you have offered in your book.”

Contact Judith to purchase the book ($17.95 + shipping), or contact legacylinepublishing.com.

Internet security, identity theft, Computer safety, Charles Jeter

The statistics about cyber-crime and data breach are shocking.  Don’t be ignorant or you’re next.

ESET, a local San Diego anti-virus software company, recently started a not-for-profit grassroots educational effort to secure our San Diego e-City against this threat through education. It’s a Neighborhood Watch style educational program for the community targeted at preventing cyber-crime.

SOEC website: www.securingourecity.org

For a direct link to the on-demand training: Securing Our eCity Training Presentation

Here’s information I have gleaned from various sources, including Navy friends and my son, Charles, a licensed Private Investigator who works for an international anti-viral software company based here in San Diego. ESET protects 25% of the Russians from the other 75%, who (along with the Chinese) legally produce and franchise malware in their countries.  Their malware is designed to extract money from our bank accounts–yours and mine.

Re: the information about sabotage below, that idea came from the US NAVY Spy Manual, according to my informant. This is a “word to the wise” if you’re responsible for the welfare of many people!  Every business, family, school, etc. needs this information, so please pass the word. No matter how busy you are, cyber-security ought to be high priority right now.

In China and Russia it’s legal to produce and franchise malware which allows various worms, viruses, DOS etc. attacks. Moreover, identity theft in our country doubled in 2008.

The Chinese and Russians are not allowed to attack their own citizenry, but who’s to stop them? Cyber-criminals are extremely hard to catch, and the rewards are massive compared to pornography and other Mafia-types of violent crime where bodies can be found and other proof of guilt more easily obtained.

Our defense department, facebook and our local electric company all have experienced DOS (denial of service) attacks where botnets have taken over thousands of home computers, and have been used in concerted efforts to bring our communication to a standstill. DOD was shut down for 3 days, as I recall reading in the San Diego Union-Tribune, and the service to thousands of electric customers here in San Diego county was interrupted for the better part of a day.  Do not let your computer be a part of sabotage efforts.  Get upgraded, daily updated anti-viral software today.

Communications, by the way, are the last arena to be under attack before foreign powers launch terrorism and sabotage, according to my source of information. Surprisingly to us, (predictable according to the Navy manual) construction is under attack with new malware “first day” viruses,, along with large and small banking accounts. With communications, construction and energy down, reconstruction cannot take place. This information comes from my Navy sources. (I come from a Navy family. Both sons, father, cousins and favorite Uncle were all Navy.)

Please go immediately to the series of search-able videos which Charles and his company, ESET, put out as public service information. The address is http://www.youtube.com/user/securingourecity#p/u.
Other links:
http://www.scmagazineus.com/banking-trojan-theft-stopping-the-bleeding-of-american-business-accounts/article/173977/
http://www.scmagazineus.com/keeping-hilfs-from-crashing-your-party/article/173975/
http://www.scmagazineus.com/up-the-digital-river-without-a-paddle/article/173974/
http://www.scmagazineus.com/cybercrime-corner/section/1511/

Blessings.

Teaching, knowledge, parenting

Wisdom is the godly, practical use of knowledge.  Knowledge is power.

Parents translate the world to their children.  The world is confusing and untruthful.  What to do?  How to do it?  What is meaningfull and what needs to be ignored?  One challenge for parents is believing they have to learn all the information all at once. 

Parents learn and then teach learning strategies:  they create structure!  Structure is a major task for every adult.  It’s easy for us to be overwhelmed by the masses of data confronting us, even as adults.  Yet we must create meaning and power for our children.  If they cannot read, for example, they should just write “victim” on their foreheads.  They are powerless in a hostile world. 

Alvin Toffler, author of Future Shock and Power Shift, detailed his worldwide, 25 year study of the power dynamics found in knowledge. Knowledge, in his book Power Shift, is one of three sources of power in the world.  Violence and money are the first two sources of power. 

Parents and children cannot afford ignorance.  The power shift now is to manipulation of information sources and conclusions drawn from data.  Imbedded commands, for example, can make weather data look like man-made global warming when in fact, a report of 500 experienced weathermen  indicates that global warming is merely a natural cycle–not man-made. 

Global warming has impacted whole populations long before our life styles included cars, etc.  Thus, we can choose to forfeit our liberties to lazy thinking, or we can look carefully into high impact issues for ourselves.  Unfortunately, the same media which has informed us also anesthetizes us into passivity. 

Who has not been hypnotized by television?  If we are in a habit of passivity, why should we bother to dig deeply for truth and then act on it?

Parents and teachers are the ones to interpret the meaning behind the flood of data which overwhelms everyone in this dementedly hasty world!  Without building meaning, there is no wisdom to be found in the constant stimulation of random data which batters our conscious minds from dawn until midnight.

Where do you find your wisdom?